tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15181064482562997722011-07-07T20:38:30.482-04:00A veritable spittoon of Dave's essays, quotes, questions, observations and cliche deconstructions.Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.comBlogger371100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-24058872504963846872009-11-07T11:00:00.003-05:002009-11-07T14:16:11.759-05:00

Hey, Scouts! We know that there's dwindling interest in our activities of late, what with all those bloodthirsty video games and such.Heck, sometimes we Scoutmasters find ourselves engaging in a little Resident Evil™ every now and again--just to blow off steam after the most recent Jamboree.Still, we must compete in order to maintain some sort of relevancy in today's world. So, we're offering

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-1427402567613159572009-10-24T08:00:00.011-04:002009-10-24T09:59:22.792-04:00

Biff: Hey, college football fans!  Welcome to the big game between State and Tech.  And you don't need me to tell you--this one's for all the marbles. But first, I'd like to introduce you to my partner in the booth, former State standout, Bonecrusher Smith.  Bonecrusher... Bonecrusher:  Thanks, Biff.  And you're right, this IS for all the marbles.  There will be no sharing of marbles at this

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-12898136316988009432009-10-17T08:00:00.018-04:002009-10-17T10:28:53.592-04:00

America often takes a unique approach to some of the problems that exist outside its borders; i.e., when in doubt, launch missiles at it.  Take for example those annoying high tides and pesky lunar eclipses.  Well, apparently, we weren't gonna stand for that anymore! Of course I jest. However, if my in-depth perusal of newspaper headlines was correct, NASA recently did fire a missile at

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-54977962088713226312009-10-10T10:00:00.053-04:002009-10-10T10:21:59.302-04:00

A couple of weeks ago was Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. It was when Jews all over the world begged God and each other for forgiveness for the sins they had committed during the previous year. Now I must take this opportunity to explain that I have remained sin-free since 2006.  Don't ask.  Suffice to say that it takes more than a modicum of sound judgment and self-control to pull

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-46582431574192423332009-10-03T11:48:00.014-04:002009-10-04T07:58:07.365-04:00

Many of you have been wondering (OK, one of you...Mom) what I was doing during in the month of September instead of updating this award-winning blog. Not that it has already won any awards, but I do not know how to conjugate verbs into the hopeful tense. But I digress. In short, I decided to pursue some of my other interests. And since you asked (again...Mom), I thought that I might present

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-5573031264481391372009-08-25T08:06:00.016-04:002009-08-29T09:00:17.550-04:00

The addage is “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”. But this begs the question, “Why don’t we just leave old dogs alone—aren’t they tired?”Older people, on the other hand, need mental stimulation. If only to stave off Oatmeal-On-The-Chin syndrome. But a figurative taser to the synapses does not have to wait until one is “old”. Nay, education for adults can begin even a few short hours

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-61075648369190872492009-08-16T08:00:00.004-04:002009-08-17T18:50:23.641-04:00

Are you burnt out? Stressed out? Have you been thrown out? Then you, my friend, are entitled to the vacation of a lifetime--here at Blistering Pines. Centrally located, it is an hour’s drive from anywhere.When we say, “centrally located”, we obviously mean it.The Rooms.We here at Blistering Pines understand that some of our patrons have, er, active imaginations. So we present our newly

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com48tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-77446482722366318912009-08-09T09:00:00.000-04:002009-08-09T09:06:36.074-04:00

I found a letter that I wrote to my parents stuck between pages of my dia—er, Journal. I obviously wrote it during my one-and-only summer attending sleepaway camp. Check it out.Dear Mom and Dad,I know it was your idea that I go away this summer, so I thought I would write and let you know how it is all working out for me.You thought that it would be good to commune with nature. Well, I have to

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-47075692727274965592009-08-01T10:30:00.002-04:002009-10-04T07:55:51.379-04:00

Hey, kids! Disappointed with your last Science Fair project? Looking for something new and different--as opposed to that hackneyed, paper machè volcano? Wish you knew what “hackneyed” meant? Well join Mr. Science in his Lab O’ Fun and we’ll get an early start on next year’s project together. It’ll be a real winner, I guarantee that! Problem: (always stated as a question) Can a 4th-grader

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-58687787323581288692009-07-26T08:51:00.001-04:002009-07-26T08:56:49.444-04:00

Cliches are universal—born out of the wisdom of the people, not the philosopher-kings, playwrights or bards. Truth be sold, there is nary a mundane situation that cannot be matched with a blackeneyed phrase or saying.However, these days, the use of cliches is a lost art—what with biting sounds and textbooking. So, before the cliche completely goes the way of the Moa bird, I have collected a few

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-78431672915437529482009-07-21T08:00:00.001-04:002009-07-21T08:22:58.046-04:00

The lowest common denominator in all of sports has to be bowling. There is likely not a single person in America (above the age of 16 months, of course) that has not partaken of the joys of rolling a heavy, plastic sphere across a very well maintained, hardwood floor...and some of those people have even gone bowling.If bowling is ever to earn its rightful place among the more elegant of sports (

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-79420812880767990372009-07-10T08:00:00.000-04:002009-07-10T08:00:01.135-04:00

I admit it. I lay claim to some of the worst poetry ever scribbled onto parchment with a quill. However, when I went back to analyze my poetic disasters, I came to a startling conclusion: I seemingly had mastered the form; it was the content that was sorely lacking. Or in the vernacular, it was lame-eth.So, what was a budding poet to do? Perhaps write poetry about writing poetry. And after

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-26894285521809029392009-07-03T08:00:00.000-04:002009-07-03T08:00:34.121-04:00

Good evening, opera fans—and you know who you are! Yes, that would be both of you.Tonight, we are pleased to present Puccini’s lost masterpiece, Gli Affamati Zombino. The Hungry Zombie. An opera in 5 acts and 16 cadavers.Suggestion: One would more fully experience the true essence of this opera if they sang the Italian libretto while reading at home, using whatever opera-like melody they could

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-54456486840159271272009-06-26T08:00:00.000-04:002009-06-26T08:00:53.406-04:00

Several years ago, a Federal Commission declared that the US intelligence-gathering community was woefully incompetent. Covert activities abroad were not discovered until it was far too late. Timely intervention was nonexistent.The Commission recommended a major overhaul of our Intelligence Agencies. Had the Commission been mindful of its history, however, they might have recommended that we

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-74433849527621445132009-06-19T08:00:00.001-04:002009-06-19T08:09:33.735-04:00

Scientific Name: Adolescus Ridiculous n.Common Name: Teenage FemaleHabitat:Found near commercial areas; generally avoids flora and fauna, particularly insects and small rodentsMarkings:Brightly colored; frequently shinySocial Behavior:Stands and/or travels in herds—particularly when eliminating wasteFeeding Behavior:Pizza, french fries—or nothing(God, I look fat!)Grooming Behavior:Engages too

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-66975815219275160112009-06-12T08:00:00.001-04:002009-06-12T08:00:05.550-04:00

In my life, I have heard many complaints about many presidents. However, if there was a Lame-O-Meter for presidents a long time ago (or even today for that matter), the one who certainly would have “pinned the needle” is William Henry Harrison, elected to office in 1841.Historians generally agree that W.H. Harrison significantly paled in comparison to his namesake, Benjamin (23rd President), and

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-56509250836835618832009-06-05T07:30:00.001-04:002009-06-06T11:00:29.042-04:00

In days of yore, chivalrous young men wrote and recited Odes; i.e., lovely poems dedicated to their ladies faire (that's medieval for "fair", which is really old-school for "pretty").This they did to:1) expound on their love's greatest qualities and2) show their undying, single-minded, and often obsessive devotion towards them, mostly due to the stuff outlined in #1.Well, just by chance I

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-20370342346576807422009-05-29T08:00:00.005-04:002009-05-29T08:17:47.228-04:00

Not to brag, but I do believe that I am at least as smart as the average bear. However, from time to time, I find that my nearly adequate cognitive abilities are not quite up to the task at-hand.For example, here are some recent puzzles from a local newspaper that have been giving me problems of late. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am going to need some assistance with them. But remember, I

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-25360314670824750312009-05-23T07:22:00.000-04:002009-05-23T07:22:09.912-04:00

Normally, I don’t read much. I find that it takes away from valuable TV-watching time. That being said, I did find myself wandering around a book store the other day.What immediately caught my eye was the book, Gulliver’s Travels (see picture), written by someone named Cliff S. Notes. Instantly, I came to the conclusion that this would be the perfect subject for the next installment of the

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-60793620035748975752009-05-16T09:07:00.004-04:002009-05-17T19:44:52.835-04:00

It has been said that for every program that actually makes it on TV, at least 10 first-episodes (or pilots, in the vernacular) have been cast aside into oblivion before ever being aired.So, from among the wanna-bees, never-have-beens and also-rans, here are 5 such shows, each complete with a snippet of dialogue to let you know what you’ve been missing...1. CSI, BoiseInvestigator 1: What did he

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-76119962642323342122009-05-09T07:45:00.001-04:002009-05-09T08:43:27.490-04:00

Preface: The Big Apple is full of mysteries. For example, why it is called “The Big Apple” and not some other kind of large fruit?Indeed it is the city of confusion, chaos and contradiction. I cannot imagine how a visitor from another state (let alone another planet) can make full sense of everything they encounter here.Well, apparently they don’t. Several out-of-towners have made inquiries,

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-79471222546217878912009-05-01T08:00:00.014-04:002009-05-02T09:03:59.513-04:00

In what hopefully was a temporary, Junior High School-type moment, I decided to compile a list of words and phrases that look and/or sound remarkably dirty.But rest assured, as much fun as each word or phrase is to say (particularly at the top of one's lungs), not one of them is salacious. In fact, each entry is wholly appropriate for consumption by--or merely in the vicinity of--young children,

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-41077729090994079312009-04-25T08:13:00.001-04:002009-04-25T08:15:04.790-04:00

It is definitely rough economic times here in the United States. Jobs are being exported to other countries and job-seekers are following suit.Fortunately, one doesn't have to look much past the Far East to find employment possibilities—provided, of course, that you have the necessary skill-set.* To that end, here are some randomly chosen Classified Ads from a popular Japanese periodical.*-

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-18813323398941770372009-04-17T15:38:00.001-04:002009-04-17T15:49:02.181-04:00

Over the past 15 years or so, one of the most popular shows on TV has been Law and Order. You know, "ripped from the headlines" and all.Actually, it is quite surprising that this show has enjoyed such longevity, considering the fact that each episode follows the exact same plot arc—to the minute. Yes, the names and other specific details change; but one basically can predict more or less what

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-92015324333573854482009-04-14T09:45:00.013-04:002009-04-15T12:33:14.839-04:00

OK, here’s how to play.First, take a marker and draw a line on your monitor from the picture of the young celebrity to his or her matching description. Don’t worry, it’ll wash right off.Second, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope along with $25 (for shipping and handling) c/o my off-shore bank in the Caribbean. In return, I will mail you back a copy of the answer key. a. Hard-partier b.

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-41317730441330557032009-04-10T10:36:00.001-04:002009-04-10T11:04:22.520-04:00

While cleaning out the laundry room, I came across my old High School diary (OK—”journal”; diaries are for girls). In any event, I thought I would share my entries for 1 fateful day during the spring semester of my Junior year. Check it out:Monday, 7:45amJust got to school and saw S. Man, I like her. I wonder if she likes me and would go to the dance with me on Friday. I better find out; I

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-35492204113805185252009-04-04T07:27:00.001-04:002009-05-02T09:01:02.951-04:00

There has been a lot of debate as to which Rolling Stones album is their best. In fact, I have seen such debates go on for hours, only to end abruptly when the beer ran out and everyone went home.Conversely, there is little debate as to which Rolling Stones album is their worst. The hands-down winner (loser?) is Dirty Work, released during that watershed year in popular music—1986.One only has

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-64131686361797372442009-03-28T07:46:00.006-04:002009-04-22T22:22:45.440-04:00

When I am not cycling, I walk for fitness. Living in New York City theoretically allows me access to many wonderful places to walk; yet being the agoraphobic homebody that I am, I find myself sticking to a 2K loop around a local golf course.But that does not mean that my trail is without its merits. On the contrary, it is so chocked full of points of interest, that while peering around I often

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-67675158298002656862009-03-24T20:09:00.004-04:002009-03-26T13:08:09.856-04:00

OK, here's the scenerio: You've just received a party invitation for Friday night, but you already have plans (afterall, those socks won't get organized by themselves, you know). Do you alter your calendar and show up?Now, some people accept, decline (or, if you are like me, ignore) invitations based not on how well they know and/or like the hosts, but on the projected amount of chicanery

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-33286974458145925522009-03-21T09:53:00.002-04:002009-11-06T19:28:21.908-05:00

Below is the 5th runner-up in the What I Want To Be When I Grow Up essay contest, open to all 10 and 11-year-olds at Chester Arthur Elementary School in Rumblebuck, Pennsylvania. Read on. What I Want To Be When I Grow Up When I grow up, I don’t want to be a basketball player, a rap star or a celebutante (did I spell that right?). No, I am setting my sights even higher. I want to be the Vice

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-27424532438341867512009-03-14T08:30:00.002-04:002009-03-14T08:33:24.595-04:00

With the recent movie releases of Iron Man, The Hulk, Spiderman, Dark Knight, Watchmen, etc., it is apparent that the superhero (and supervillian) are back in vogue. However, all of the superheroes and villains showing up in the theaters these days are rather, shall we say, long in the tooth (i.e., they old).What we need now is a brand new cast of characters for the relatively new millennium.

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-70381358774306823282009-03-07T07:38:00.002-05:002009-03-07T15:06:35.573-05:00

Hey, Baseball Fans! There’s only a few weeks left until Opening Day, so let’s take some time and check out the latest prospects on the minor league club. Who knows, one of these young bucks might actually make it to the “Big Show” this season...(15) Edwin Slobobowitz—1st base. Bats—Right; Throws—Right; Sings—Awful. Edwin’s the highly touted player recently obtained in that blockbuster trade

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-72415437566770280832009-03-01T09:27:00.005-05:002009-03-29T21:32:54.050-04:00

You and that special someone are having an argument, but the 2 of you are unsure how serious it is and/or how to respond. On the one hand, you don't want to be accused of being a dispassionate, cold fish. On the other hand, you don't like being characterized as an overreacting, drama queen either. What is a person to do?Well, by using the handy-dandy Fight-O-Meter below, you can easily

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-15664933061866054822009-02-23T15:22:00.006-05:002009-03-10T08:16:29.131-04:00

Now, I tend to carry a lot of crap around with me. Too much crap to stuff into my various pockets. And even when I am traveling with the bare-minimum, I cannot stand the feeling of anything in my pockets, particularly the ones in back. It makes sitting an uncomfortable chore, not to mention reducing the profile of my shapely buttocks to a bumpy, sharp-cornered mess.I guess I could have bought

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-47907766080505897542009-02-19T08:24:00.011-05:002009-03-21T10:14:35.521-04:00

If you came of age after the 1970s, you might not be familiar with this little, time-wasting activity that not only produced a lot of yuks—particularly on long, boring car trips—but also taught many of us English grammar (well, the various parts-of-speech, anyway).Here’s how it works— just be aware that I had to modify it for the Internet (I am sure some bright bulb has written a Javascript

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-57236933017946646492009-02-16T08:34:00.007-05:002009-03-02T15:14:41.195-05:00

From what I can tell, a lot of people watch The News incessantly. They just can't get enough of it. These days, insatiable seekers of information squint their eyes at tiny newsblurbs scrolling at the bottom of--you guessed it--Network News Broadcasts.I, on the other hand, do not see the value in The News--primarily because it already happened. It's too late for me to do anything about it now--

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1518106448256299772.post-68427086092316772792009-02-15T22:47:00.011-05:002009-03-08T20:52:58.789-04:00

I was a philosophy minor in college. There isn't much of a call for philosophers these days, which is why I ultimately went into a different line of work. There's a reason that the philosophers of old were referred to as "philosopher-kings". The philosophy game didn't pay well--even back then. Those who had the "calling" to philosophize better have been independently wealthy. It probably

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01896991263612360471noreply@blogger.com2