New Meritocracy

Hey, Scouts! We know that there's dwindling interest in our activities of late, what with all those bloodthirsty video games and such.

Heck, sometimes we Scoutmasters find ourselves engaging in a little Resident Evil™ every now and again--just to blow off steam after the most recent Jamboree.

Still, we must compete in order to maintain some sort of relevancy in today's world. So, we're offering a handful of exciting, new badges for you to shoot for.

So put down that game controller, take an extra dose of Ritalin, and let's get crackin'!

FENCING

Overview: Got some new electronic equipment sitting around the house, still in its original packaging? Or maybe you just happen to "know a guy" (perhaps an industrious, higher-ranking scout). Well, get that merch together and start selling it out of your garage, back porch, bedroom--or anywhere else out of direct line of sight.

Requirements for badge: Obtain, rebox and sell $2,000 worth of merchandise in 2 consecutive weeks' time. Then dismantle your "store", move to another location and sell $2, 000 more. No badge awarded if caught. However, feel free to contact the Scout Bail-Bond Posting division if you do.

BOOKMAKING

Overview: Sports are fun and gambling is addictive--let's parlay that relationship into some income. Help those who are interested in sports get more (or better yet, less) out of the experience. Just field a few phone calls, keep an up-to-date spreadsheet and make sure the cash flows mostly "up-stream", if you know what we mean.

Requirements for badge: Obtain unlisted phone number only to be known to others by word-of-mouth. Establish and manage database of at least 50 "clients". Use elementary math to derive a ratio of chance-of-losing to chance-of-winning (e.g., 5 to 1). Create favorable terms to assist those who need to pay over time (favorable to you , that is). Having difficulty retrieving what is owed to you? You may want to sign up for our next merit badge,

COLLECTING

Overview: What's yours is yours. It was rightfully acquired (well, rightfully might not be the proper word in this situation...). Hey, you have a business to run; don't let the welchers bring it down.

Requirements for badge: Establish a "team" of willing "players" who enjoy challenges, particularly physical ones. Although intelligence is not crucial (or even desirable) for these agents of your fortune, some knowledge of the human anatomy (particularly which parts of it break both easily and painfully) is recommended. Then, have your henchmen recoup 110% of what is owed to you. The extra 10% is the "convenience fee" for your "services".

Essay Contest Finalist!

Below is the 5th runner-up in the What I Want To Be When I Grow Up essay contest, open to all 10 and 11-year-olds at Chester Arthur Elementary School in Rumblebuck, Pennsylvania. Read on.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

When I grow up, I don’t want to be a basketball player, a rap star or a celebutante (did I spell that right?). No, I am setting my sights even higher. I want to be the Vice President of the United States!

(My mom says I should start a new paragraph here...) I think it is much easier to become the Vice President of the United States than it is to become the President. First of all, you don’t have to spend a lot of money during the election campaign. In fact, you don’t have to spend anything at all. You just sit there until you get to hook up with a winner—well, at least until the general election. You also get to have debates with the other candidate for Vice President. And let’s face it, no one watches those—so you don’t have to worry if you say something dopey, sweat like a pig or spit while you talk.

The Vice President of the United States also gets to do a lot of cool things. He gets to go to all sorts of places that the President doesn’t have time to visit. He also gets to say nasty things about the President’s enemies in the Congress. The Vice President also gets to break ties in the Senate (I think I would be real good at that—my dad says I am an expert at breaking things). And remember, the Vice President is only one heart-bleep away from the presidency!

So, to sum up in conclusion, I want to study sorta hard in school so that I one day, I can have the chance to become The Vice President of the United States.