Hail to the Least

In my life, I have heard many complaints about many presidents. However, if there was a Lame-O-Meter for presidents a long time ago (or even today for that matter), the one who certainly would have “pinned the needle” is William Henry Harrison, elected to office in 1841.

Historians generally agree that W.H. Harrison significantly paled in comparison to his namesake, Benjamin (23rd President), and likely would have paled in comparison to his namesake, George (4th Beatle).

The most obvious reason for this is William Henry's ridiculously short term of service—a mere 32 days before his untimely death. This is significantly less than the average gestation period of many lower mammals. Was poor W.H. assassinated? No, apparently that only happens to important people.

(Rumor has it that a group of political conspirators did contemplate the act, however. Their discussion went something like this, although I might be paraphrasing slightly:

Assassin #1: So, shall we kill Harrison to call attention to our extremist political views?

Assassin #2: No, I don’t believe anyone would notice. Let’s take out the Secretary of the Interior, instead.)

Alas, Harrison ultimately died from pneumonia. Some say it stemmed from his decision to give a 2-hour Inaugural Address. This is significantly longer than the average length of a concert put on by Lady GaGa. But as modern medical minds now know, standing without a coat and/or hat in frigid weather for a couple of hours does not lead to respiratory disease.

Still, it does beg the question: Where was Harrison’s mommy in all of this?

Given his quite limited time in the White House, it is hard to imagine that William Henry was able to accomplish anything of substance. Indeed, his major claim to fame was to be the first president to have his photograph taken. Apparently, this was done in anticipation of having him appear on the three dollar bill.

Unfortunately, the entire concept was quickly abandoned after Harrison’s death.


Historical Footnotes:
1. Benjamin Harrison was William Henry’s grandson.
2. Some of the facts contained within this post actually are true. I forget which ones, however.

Poetry Corner

In days of yore, chivalrous young men wrote and recited Odes; i.e., lovely poems dedicated to their ladies faire (that's medieval for "fair", which is really old-school for "pretty").

This they did to:

1) expound on their love's greatest qualities and

2) show their undying, single-minded, and often obsessive devotion towards them, mostly due to the stuff outlined in #1.



Well, just by chance I happened to find myself in the Poetry Corner this week. Truth be told, it was the police who happened to find me there--a mere 36 hours after I was declared missing. In any event, I decided to take advantage of the situation and write an Ode of my own.

This I did to:

1) expound on my love's greatest qualities...etc., etc. and

2) show once and for all why this tradition needed to die a very long time ago.

Ann Coulter Is My Kind Of Wench

With legs like 2 twigs
And jaws like a wrench,
Stands Ann Coulter,
My kind of wench.

When conserves are in power—
Nay, in command,
She slaps at poor liberals
With the back of her hand.

Ann bites off their heads
And eats them for lunch
When asked, “Have another?”
She says, “Yes, thanks a bunch”.

And then sharpens her shoe
And hikes up her gown
And kicks at poor liberal,
But only when down.

For when libs are in power—
Under cover of night,
Ann crawls under a rock
And remains out-of-sight.

But if you follow the slime
And you follow the stench
You’ll find Ann Coulter,
My kind of wench.

Forsooth! My flaxen vixen.

A Little Help, Here...

Not to brag, but I do believe that I am at least as smart as the average bear. However, from time to time, I find that my nearly adequate cognitive abilities are not quite up to the task at-hand.

For example, here are some recent puzzles from a local newspaper that have been giving me problems of late. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am going to need some assistance with them. But remember, I only want a hint—don't be giving the whole thing away now!




Word Search

Word List:
1. Loser















Fun With Analogies
red is to blue, as
blastomycosis is to ____________




Jumble!


Rearrange these to form a popular joke from the Raman II era, circa 457 BC.





Can You Distinguish Between the Twins?


Look closely. How many differences can you find?
(So far, I have only noticed that the one on the right isn't wearing a tie.)

Critic's Corner

Normally, I don’t read much. I find that it takes away from valuable TV-watching time. That being said, I did find myself wandering around a book store the other day.

What immediately caught my eye was the book, Gulliver’s Travels (see picture), written by someone named Cliff S. Notes. Instantly, I came to the conclusion that this would be the perfect subject for the next installment of the Critic’s Corner.

Working from outside in, I have to admit that the cover is quite eye-catching, if somewhat garish. Personally, I find the tri-colored scheme a little edgy; I think that an appearance by Fabio and some curvaceous wench on the book jacket might be more appropriate, given the story’s setting.

The plot itself is very simply written and easy to understand, while at the same time, seriously lacking in detail. The characters, too, are sorely in need of some added dimension and, dare I say, warmth (The complete lack of dialogue often made it seem like I was reading a textbook).

But what I found the most distasteful is Mr. Notes’s annoying habit of disrupting the dramatic flow of the story in order to explain to the reader what is going on. What an insult to one’s intelligence! I also will go so far to say that it might completely dissuade me from buying any more of Mr. Notes’s books (He apparently has authored several).

Well, that’s all for this installment of the Critic’s Corner. Join me in the Corner next time when I review some of the latest movie trailers and ringtones.

The Little Program That Couldn’t

It has been said that for every program that actually makes it on TV, at least 10 first-episodes (or pilots, in the vernacular) have been cast aside into oblivion before ever being aired.

So, from among the wanna-bees, never-have-beens and also-rans, here are 5 such shows, each complete with a snippet of dialogue to let you know what you’ve been missing...






1. CSI, Boise

Investigator 1: What did he die from?
Investigator 2: (after consultation with Medical Examiner) He was old.
Investigator 1: Case solved.
[Cue Theme: only Who song remaining never to have been used in franchise]





2. Real Housewives of Nome, Alaska

Janice: Sherri, your Uggs are to die for! And that head-to-toe fur with the big hood--I could claw your eyes out!
Sherri: Uh, it’s me--Nanuk. Sherri’s husband.




3. The Biggest Shmoozer

Coach: C'mon you wimp, work it! Work...That...Room!
Contestant 1: Hey there, nice tan! Is that your wife or is that your daughter? Didn’t I see you in the Hamptons last season? Now how about that big, fat, government contract?




4. America’s Next Top Model Citizen

Contestant 1: Today I waited patiently in line, properly displayed the American flag, sorted my neighbor’s recycling and crossed only at the green signal.
Contestant 2: B*tch!!







5. American Idle

Ryan Seacrest: He’s been completely inert for 4 hours, ladies and gentleman.
Randy: Cool.
Simon: I hated it.
Paula: [random, incomprehensible jibberish]
Female Judge who is not Paula: I think he’s dead.
All: You’re going to Hollywood!!!

NYC Mysteries Explained!

Preface: The Big Apple is full of mysteries. For example, why it is called “The Big Apple” and not some other kind of large fruit?

Indeed it is the city of confusion, chaos and contradiction. I cannot imagine how a visitor from another state (let alone another planet) can make full sense of everything they encounter here.

Well, apparently they don’t. Several out-of-towners have made inquiries, imploring me to explain some of the things they have seen in our fair city. And I have no choice but to answer the call—for if I did not, you would be staring at a large blank space where this blog post should be...


So, Tom G. from New Orleans, LA writes

Dear Dave:
Why do I see different-shaped fire hydrants in NYC? Sometimes there can be 2 or 3 different kinds on a single street.

Dear Tom:
Fire hydrants, like automobile lines, contain several models and trim levels. And just like the auto, each hydrant's name and design is an attempt to project some sort of personality or attitude, if you will. For example:



Left to Right: The El Dorado and The Fastback GT


And, Ygal Q. of St. Paul MN writes

Dear Dave:
I see “No Standing” signs all over the place. What does that mean?



Dear Ygal:
You’ve got a funny name. But back to the question at hand—Our mayor has made it his mission to legislate our personal health and well-being. To that end, he has banned smoking in public buildings, pressured restaurants to remove trans fats from their foods, etc.

Apparently, he also feels that we live too fast-paced a lifestyle and, as a result, mandates that we take a rest every now and again. Therefore, these signs are to be taken literally. That is why you might see an example of our fine citizenry sleeping on the ground under one of them (alternately, they might be taking a similar respite on a park bench or subway seat).


And, Pepe R. of Plano TX writes

Dear Dave:
I tried to mail a postcard in one of those green mailboxes I saw, but it had no door or slot to drop the letter. What gives?



Dear Pepe:
Rookie letter carriers, like other teammates in uniform, undergo a mild hazing process. Their veteran comrades have placed thousands of these “dummy” mailboxes all around the city. Then, they wait in the bushes giggling while their unseasoned colleagues struggle with them.

So, on the negative side, you’ve been an unintended victim of a practical joke. However, on the positive side, you’re at least as smart as a rookie mailman.


Finally, Mary Louise F. of Walla Walla WA writes

Dear Dave:
How did the term, “Manhole” come about?



Dear Mary Louise:
I’m not sure, but it certainly makes me uncomfortable thinking about it.

Fun With Wurds

In what hopefully was a temporary, Junior High School-type moment, I decided to compile a list of words and phrases that look and/or sound remarkably dirty.

But rest assured, as much fun as each word or phrase is to say (particularly at the top of one's lungs), not one of them is salacious. In fact, each entry is wholly appropriate for consumption by--or merely in the vicinity of--young children, grandparents, in-laws and fundamentalist, religious-types.

However, I realize that my guarantee might not carry much weight with the skeptics in the reading audience. Therefore, I included an easy-to-understand definition next to each word or phrase. And, as an added bonus, I presented the list in alphabetical order--just the thing to facilitate memorization.

1. annals written, historical records
2. assoil absolve or acquit
3. Bangkok city in Thailand
   
4. bilabial frication using both lips to make a “raspberry” sound
5. buttress a projecting structure made of stone
6. cocksure quite certain and confident
   
7. cunning linguist very clever expert on language
8. mass debate large group discussion
9. mass debater someone who participates in #8
10. philatelist stamp collector
11. proselytize an attempt to convert others
12. pussyfooting acting in an indirect manner
13. rectify make better or fix
    
14. sects offshoots from the main (religious) group
    
15. shitake type of mushroom
16. titular referring to the title of something
17. Uranus 7th planet from the sun

(The last-named caused so much in the way of embarrassment at symposiums and presentations, astronomers actually changed its pronunciation.)