Good evening, opera fans—and you know who you are! Yes, that would be both of you.Tonight, we are pleased to present Puccini’s lost masterpiece, Gli Affamati Zombino. The Hungry Zombie. An opera in 5 acts and 16 cadavers.
Suggestion: One would more fully experience the true essence of this opera if they sang the Italian libretto while reading at home, using whatever opera-like melody they could think of.
Act 1—The beginning (what else?).
Mario: Che cosa è vento dal cielo?
What is that thing that came from the sky?
Colletta: Mi sento divertente. Voglio andare a mangiare il mio migliare amico.
I feel funny. I now want to eat my best friend.
Act 2—Mario and Colletta declare their devotion to each other.
Mario: Io vi amo, Colletta. La milza è così saporita!
I love you, Colletta. Your spleen is so tasty!
Colletta: Acko!
Ack!
Act 3—The evil Sheriff Brutto confronts Mario and his clan.
Brutto: Qui, prendere che...è che...è che!
Here, take that...and that...and that!
Act 4—Mario is victorious. He shares the spoils of victory with Colletta and others. Literally.
Mario: Sono certo godono avere amìci per la cena. Qui, prendere che...è che...è che.I sure do enjoy having friends for dinner. Here...take that...and that...and that.
Colletta: Dove è che wishbone? Mi sento fortunati.
Where is that wishbone? I feel lucky.
Me: Blechho!
Blechh!
Act 5—An unforseen plot twist: Something else falls from the sky and puts an end to Mario, Colletta and their friends.
All: Siamo finiti. Siamo pranzo.
We are finished. We are lunch.
...and as Bugs Bunny once said: "Eh, what did you expect in an opera, a happy ending?"
