College Football Pre-Game

Biff: Hey, college football fans!  Welcome to the big game between State and Tech.  And you don't need me to tell you--this one's for all the marbles.

But first, I'd like to introduce you to my partner in the booth, former State standout, Bonecrusher Smith.  Bonecrusher...

Bonecrusher:  Thanks, Biff.  And you're right, this IS for all the marbles.  There will be no sharing of marbles at this game.

Biff:  No, indeedy-doo!  So how do you handicap this game, Bonecrusher?

Bonecrusher:  Well, Biff.  As you know, they don't allow handicapped people to play in college football.  Actually, I think it's rather discrimina--

Biff:  No, B.C.  I mean, what pre-game analysis do you have for us?

Bonecrusher:  I told you never to mention my years in therapy, Biff.

Biff:  Too many games without a helmet, B.C.?

Bonecrusher:  How did you know?

Biff:  Moving on.  What do you see as the single biggest issue facing these teams prior to the game?

Bonecrusher:  Well.  I think that the team who scores the most points before the end of the game has the greatest chance of winning it.

Biff:  Great insight, B.C.  And just who do you think has the greatest chance of doing THAT?

Bonecrusher:  How should I know, Biff?  The game hasn't even started yet.  What do you think I am, prescient?

Biff:  Big word, B.C.  I see someone showed up to class one day.

Bonecrusher:  You bet; I remember that day well.  And speaking of which, why didn't you get me a prescient for my birthday?  It was last month, you know.

Biff:  Which brings me back to that helmet.  Was it made out of cardboard or something?  Oh dear, our pre-game discussion has extended itself into the game proper--and we seemed to have missed a few plays.  State currently leads Tech by a score of 73-0.

Bonecrusher:  You know, Biff, that if the game ended right now, State probably would have the greatest chance of winning it.  Is that what you needed before?

Biff:  I really need for you to shut up now, B.C.

The Little Program That Couldn’t

It has been said that for every program that actually makes it on TV, at least 10 first-episodes (or pilots, in the vernacular) have been cast aside into oblivion before ever being aired.

So, from among the wanna-bees, never-have-beens and also-rans, here are 5 such shows, each complete with a snippet of dialogue to let you know what you’ve been missing...






1. CSI, Boise

Investigator 1: What did he die from?
Investigator 2: (after consultation with Medical Examiner) He was old.
Investigator 1: Case solved.
[Cue Theme: only Who song remaining never to have been used in franchise]





2. Real Housewives of Nome, Alaska

Janice: Sherri, your Uggs are to die for! And that head-to-toe fur with the big hood--I could claw your eyes out!
Sherri: Uh, it’s me--Nanuk. Sherri’s husband.




3. The Biggest Shmoozer

Coach: C'mon you wimp, work it! Work...That...Room!
Contestant 1: Hey there, nice tan! Is that your wife or is that your daughter? Didn’t I see you in the Hamptons last season? Now how about that big, fat, government contract?




4. America’s Next Top Model Citizen

Contestant 1: Today I waited patiently in line, properly displayed the American flag, sorted my neighbor’s recycling and crossed only at the green signal.
Contestant 2: B*tch!!







5. American Idle

Ryan Seacrest: He’s been completely inert for 4 hours, ladies and gentleman.
Randy: Cool.
Simon: I hated it.
Paula: [random, incomprehensible jibberish]
Female Judge who is not Paula: I think he’s dead.
All: You’re going to Hollywood!!!

Law and OrderLY

Over the past 15 years or so, one of the most popular shows on TV has been Law and Order. You know, "ripped from the headlines" and all.

Actually, it is quite surprising that this show has enjoyed such longevity, considering the fact that each episode follows the exact same plot arc—to the minute. Yes, the names and other specific details change; but one basically can predict more or less what will happen in a given episode based solely on how much time has elapsed since its opening moments.

Don't believe it? Feel free to take the following plot outline and compare for yourself. Don't know when the program is on? Play this mini-game: Close your eyes and pick any cable TV station at any time of the day or night. You are probably only 15 minutes away from the next episode...

00:00
A black screen with white letters. A solemn voice-over informs: “In the Criminal Justice System the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups, etc."

00:15
Bum-bum

00:20
Two self-absorbed passersby walk in dark alley/damp street/city park having a conversation about recent meeting/horrid date/investment opportunity.

00:39
Aforementioned, self-absorbed passersby nearly trip over grisly, partially decayed murder victim. Ick.

00:45
Patrolmen, Detectives and Medical Examiner on scene. Detectives poke at body, find wallet. Detective 1 turns to Detective 2—ironic joke made at the victim’s expense. Tacky, but gritty. Cue Law and Order Theme Song.

01:00-16:00
Investigation starts in dingy homicide squadroom and moves to various locations about New York City. Interested, disinterested and uninteresting parties interviewed.

18:00
Detectives interview student or faculty member at Hudson University (fictitious NYC college where I hope to get fictitious degree one day).

20:00
Primary suspect identified. Brought into interview room. Good Cop/Bad Cop routine. A lot of table-pounding. Grisly photos fly across table in both directions. "Just come clean; you'll feel better".

25:00
Arraignment. Primary suspect pleads “Not Guilty”. Assistant District Attorney wants “remand” (i.e., indefinite time in the Pokey). Defense Attorney wants case dismissed and apology from judge. Judge splits difference and offers own ironic joke—this time at suspect’s expense.

30:00
SVU fans—add 180-degree plot twist that no viewer expects.
Criminal Intent fans—add series of consecutive plot twists that no viewer understands.

31:00
Prosecutors discuss case with boss, the District Attorney. Evidence reviewed. Sketchy at best. District Attorney decides city needs conviction/he or she needs re-election. Prosecutors directed to offer plea and move on.

32:00
Insolent prosecutors do exact opposite of what they’re told. Off to court we go.

33:00
Order to suppress only piece of viable evidence presented by Defense Attorney. Lawyers present arguments to judge. Judge finds in favor of defendant. Prosecutor whines and gives incredulous look. Judge offers yet another ironic joke—this time at prosecutor’s expense.

35:00
Lesser of 2 prosecutors makes return trip to Hudson University to re-interview witness. Witness admits he/she lied to police. Things are looking up.

43:00
In court, Defense Attorney paints sympathetic picture of sociopathic defendant. Cut to jury—tears and/or quivering lips are observed.

45:00
Prosecutors whine to their boss about state of case. “I told you so”.

50:00
New evidence uncovered. Empowered, prosecutor grills key witness and suspect. Grilling turns to badgering. Defense Attorney paralyzed by prosecutor’s litigatory wizardry. Witness/suspect gives damaging testimony before Defense Attorney can object.

54:00
Defense Attorney awakens from catatonic state and begs Judge for immediate mistrial. Too late.

55:00
Foreman of Jury announces they have reached verdict. Guilty--Who knew?

59:00
Prosecutors debrief in District Attorney’s office. Scotch is poured; female prosecutor refuses—politely. Final ironic comment made—this time at everybody’s expense.