Saturday, March 28, 2009

Points of Interest Along the Ol’ Walking Trail

When I am not cycling, I walk for fitness. Living in New York City theoretically allows me access to many wonderful places to walk; yet being the agoraphobic homebody that I am, I find myself sticking to a 2K loop around a local golf course.

But that does not mean that my trail is without its merits. On the contrary, it is so chocked full of points of interest, that while peering around I often lose complete track of time. In fact, I remember starting a walk one Saturday morning only to be picked up by the FBI some 36 hours later. Man, was I thirsty.

So, join me on a little virtual tour of my walking trail, won’t you?

We start at the Dyker Park playground. A lot of eye-opening things happen here. Therefore, I often bring my kids the playground—not only to play but also to take in the sights. Like that drug-addicted transvestite who keeps on asking us for money. It’s good to expose your children to diversity.

Here is the Dyker Doggie Park (yeah, I said "doggie"--wanna make something of it?). People bring their dogs here to exercise and be with other dogs. I try not to look too much at the goings-on here at the doggie-park; it depresses me to see animals with more active social lives than I have.

Here is Poly Prep Country Day School. It is ironically named. While kids do take classes during the daylight hours, it is not located in the country. Unless they are referring to America. Their mission statement is steeped in irony as well; i.e., “Give your kids a high school education at a university price.”

Here is the Veteran’s Hospital sign. It broadcasts all sorts of important information. Did you know that January was “Spleen Health Month”? Neither did I. It also tells you the time, the temperature and the date. The last-named is particularly important since I often forget what day it is from one go-round to the next (see above).

Here is the Dyker Junior Golf Center. Why do they need a golf center for kids, you might ask? Well, that level of snobbery is not inborn. No sir, it needs to be nurtured from an early age.

Here is the new extension of the local public school. After it is completed, students will no longer have to go to classes in pre-fab trailers parked in the school lot. I saw this structure before the covering was put on it. It was completely made up of pre-fab trailers piled one on top of another.

Well, we have completed the circuit. I hope you enjoyed the tour. Maybe next time you can join me for my 2nd favorite path: The Shlep to Food Dynasty and Back.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Party On!

OK, here's the scenerio: You've just received a party invitation for Friday night, but you already have plans (afterall, those socks won't get organized by themselves, you know). Do you alter your calendar and show up?

Now, some people accept, decline (or, if you are like me, ignore) invitations based not on how well they know and/or like the hosts, but on the projected amount of chicanery expected at the event itself. In other words, one must decide if they should face certain catatonia at some boring snooze-fest or, at the other extreme, roll the dice and risk waking up in a jail cell (still drunk) with their head on the shoulder of some guy they call, J-Dog.

To that end, I assert that it would be immensely useful if all such invitations came with a partyOmeter like the one shown below. This simple device can assist potential party-goers in making an informed decision on whether or not they want to attend said event.

So, start a trend. Cut out the partyOmeter below and include it with your next invitation. Just circle the projected intensity or use an arrow if you feel it falls between mileposts. You might want to print it out first to save wear and tear on your monitor...

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Essay Contest Finalist!

Below is the 5th runner-up in the What I Want To Be When I Grow Up essay contest, open to all 10 and 11-year-olds at Chester Arthur Elementary School in Rumblebuck, Pennsylvania. Read on.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

When I grow up, I don’t want to be a basketball player, a rap star or a celebutante (did I spell that right?). No, I am setting my sights even higher. I want to be the Vice President of the United States!

(My mom says I should start a new paragraph here...) I think it is much easier to become the Vice President of the United States than it is to become the President. First of all, you don’t have to spend a lot of money during the election campaign. In fact, you don’t have to spend anything at all. You just sit there until you get to hook up with a winner—well, at least until the general election. You also get to have debates with the other candidate for Vice President. And let’s face it, no one watches those—so you don’t have to worry if you say something dopey, sweat like a pig or spit while you talk.

The Vice President of the United States also gets to do a lot of cool things. He gets to go to all sorts of places that the President doesn’t have time to visit. He also gets to say nasty things about the President’s enemies in the Congress. The Vice President also gets to break ties in the Senate (I think I would be real good at that—my dad says I am an expert at breaking things). And remember, the Vice President is only one heart-bleep away from the presidency!

So, to sum up in conclusion, I want to study sorta hard in school so that I one day, I can have the chance to become The Vice President of the United States.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Sooper Dooper Upgrade

With the recent movie releases of Iron Man, The Hulk, Spiderman, Dark Knight, Watchmen, etc., it is apparent that the superhero (and supervillian) are back in vogue. However, all of the superheroes and villains showing up in the theaters these days are rather, shall we say, long in the tooth (i.e., they old).

What we need now is a brand new cast of characters for the relatively new millennium. And I am happy to report that I have filled this need. But due to a lack of creativity (and time...and inclination...and attention sp—ooh, what was that??), I didn't make them up from scratch. Rather, I used our current crop for inspiration, and made minor improvements wherever possible:

The Shadow (with the ability to cloud men's minds), replaced with

Weatherman Man (with the ability to cloud men’s skies)

Superman (Man of Steel), replaced with

Bolgerman (Man of Tin)

Hellboy (Demon-hero of the comic-geek set), replaced with

Heckboy (Demon-hero of the politically-correct set)

The Mighty Thor (God of Thunder), replaced with

The Mighty Bore (God of Blunder)

And let’s not forget the bad guys:

The Clown Prince of Crime, replaced with

The Clown Prince of Music

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Minor League Report

Hey, Baseball Fans! There’s only a few weeks left until Opening Day, so let’s take some time and check out the latest prospects on the minor league club. Who knows, one of these young bucks might actually make it to the “Big Show” this season...

(15) Edwin Slobobowitz—1st base. Bats—Right; Throws—Right; Sings—Awful. Edwin’s the highly touted player recently obtained in that blockbuster trade with the Pittsfield Platypuses. Edwin is proud of the fact that he hit over “300” last season; he’s even prouder that only 18 hit back.

(53) Rico Sanchez Colon Argueyo Sabado Domingo—Catcher. Bats—Right. Throws—Fits. Rico, who was drafted when he was only 6, hails from Puerto la Puerta, in the Dominican Republic. Rico is fond of saying (albeit through an interpreter), “I love catching. It is very important. Without me, the ball would keep hitting the backstop.” Gotta love that attitude.

(0) Cubby [on left]—Ballboy. Throws—Excrement (but only when angry). Swings—Freely. Cubby is something of a good luck charm around the clubhouse. He also is the good-natured victim of some practical jokes—like the time when one of the players gave him a head-to-toe bikini wax while he slept. Good times, boys.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Fight Club

You and that special someone are having an argument, but the 2 of you are unsure how serious it is and/or how to respond. On the one hand, you don't want to be accused of being a dispassionate, cold fish. On the other hand, you don't like being characterized as an overreacting, drama queen either. What is a person to do?

Well, by using the handy-dandy Fight-O-Meter below, you can easily identify where your discord lies and then act accordingly. Bookmark this page for future reference, or better yet, print it out, enlarge it and hang it over your bed. Afterall, that's where most of the arguments take place anyway.