Saturday, October 24, 2009

College Football Pre-Game

Biff: Hey, college football fans!  Welcome to the big game between State and Tech.  And you don't need me to tell you--this one's for all the marbles.

But first, I'd like to introduce you to my partner in the booth, former State standout, Bonecrusher Smith.  Bonecrusher...

Bonecrusher:  Thanks, Biff.  And you're right, this IS for all the marbles.  There will be no sharing of marbles at this game.

Biff:  No, indeedy-doo!  So how do you handicap this game, Bonecrusher?

Bonecrusher:  Well, Biff.  As you know, they don't allow handicapped people to play in college football.  Actually, I think it's rather discrimina--

Biff:  No, B.C.  I mean, what pre-game analysis do you have for us?

Bonecrusher:  I told you never to mention my years in therapy, Biff.

Biff:  Too many games without a helmet, B.C.?

Bonecrusher:  How did you know?

Biff:  Moving on.  What do you see as the single biggest issue facing these teams prior to the game?

Bonecrusher:  Well.  I think that the team who scores the most points before the end of the game has the greatest chance of winning it.

Biff:  Great insight, B.C.  And just who do you think has the greatest chance of doing THAT?

Bonecrusher:  How should I know, Biff?  The game hasn't even started yet.  What do you think I am, prescient?

Biff:  Big word, B.C.  I see someone showed up to class one day.

Bonecrusher:  You bet; I remember that day well.  And speaking of which, why didn't you get me a prescient for my birthday?  It was last month, you know.

Biff:  Which brings me back to that helmet.  Was it made out of cardboard or something?  Oh dear, our pre-game discussion has extended itself into the game proper--and we seemed to have missed a few plays.  State currently leads Tech by a score of 73-0.

Bonecrusher:  You know, Biff, that if the game ended right now, State probably would have the greatest chance of winning it.  Is that what you needed before?

Biff:  I really need for you to shut up now, B.C.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Sheer Lunacy

America often takes a unique approach to some of the problems that exist outside its borders; i.e., when in doubt, launch missiles at it.  Take for example those annoying high tides and pesky lunar eclipses.  Well, apparently, we weren't gonna stand for that anymore!

Of course I jest.

However, if my in-depth perusal of newspaper headlines was correct, NASA recently did fire a missile at the moon.  However, this was done because our moon seemed to be hoarding water that we most certainly need here on earth.  Apparently, the assertion that our planet is already comprised of 67.8% water is just something the liberal media wants us to believe.

(Regardless, most of that so-called "water" on earth is salty, which only does us good for the purposes of gargling.)

So NASA, who has not had any good press since the Apollo 13 landing, decided to get out of the exploration biz and into the detonation biz.  Good move.  Since 67.8% of the movie-viewing public now thinks that Michael Bay is a talented director, this could only have served to improve their reputation with the masses.

But what to do with the resulting moon water?  Well, obviously celebrities in Hollywood and princes in Saudi Arabia will want to wash their Hummers with it.  But what about the common folk?  Word on the street is that, when combined with the right shampoo, moon water makes your hair ultra shiny and manageable.  And possibly, radioactive.

This is good news indeed.

At the same time however, the moon does give off the astronomical impression of a very old and tired man. Eager to be left alone, but unable to keep his annoying little grandchildren at bay.  Had he been able to talk, the moon actually might have gone on to say:

"Look guys, I really appreciated all the romantic notions about me through the years.  The movies, TV shows, myths, books, songs and poetry.  Very nice.  But then came the all the landings.  And the scrapings.  Oh, those scrapings!  What did you expect to find?  Like a toddler proudly holding up his very first poop done in the potty, you exclaimed, "We've discovered dust!"
Hey, even a toddler could have told you that's what you'd end up with.  Scientists?  Pffft.

And now missiles?  Listen, you can't fire any missiles until you put your toys away first.  Like that moon rover.  You've left it out for quite some time now and people are really getting tired of tripping over it.  And those flags.  Come on.  Is there even a square inch of me that hasn't been claimed for some country or Rotary Club?  And don't get me started on those footprints.  It's taken some time, but I finally was able to get THOSE cleaned up.

But alas, like the aforementioned toddler, you now seek to break that with which you once previously played.  Go ahead.  Mommy will most certainly buy you another one."

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Faster, Faster

A couple of weeks ago was Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. It was when Jews all over the world begged God and each other for forgiveness for the sins they had committed during the previous year.

Now I must take this opportunity to explain that I have remained sin-free since 2006.  Don't ask.  Suffice to say that it takes more than a modicum of sound judgment and self-control to pull off successfully.  In any event, the results limit my perspective on most of the traditions surrounding Yom Kippur to that of an outsider.

The only exception to this is the tradition of fasting, in which I participate enthusiastically.  This is not one of those namby-pamby, no-meat-on-Fridays or let's-give-up-raspberry-cheescake-for-40-days "fast" either.  Nay, this is a don't-let-a-single-morsel-of-food-touch-your-lips sort of deal.  It is not for the faint-of-heart. Or stomach, for that matter.

Why then do I fast?  The main reason is to express solidarity with the sinners.  Similar motivation had me being supportive of the Lech Walesa-led strikes in Poland during the 1980s.  I did not live in Poland at the time, nor was I able to find it on a World Map.  However, this did not stop me from declaring, "I'm with Lech!" at the various parties I attended.  Surprisingly, my statement of conviction did not help me find dates.  Or even be invited to more parties.  But that is for another blog post (likely titled, "The Lonely Years").

But I digress.

Fasting needs to be a well-planned endeavor.  The key to a successful fast actually goes back to the night before; i.e., "The Binge".  It is important, like the Great Grizzly, to adequately stuff yourself so full of food that you easily can survive the actual fasting period without having your body attempt to digest itself.  Some care is needed, however.  Gorge yourself too much and you will wind up with what I like to call, "The Purge"--in effect, starting your fast some 12 hours too early.

Then comes the easiest part of the fast; i.e., "The Sleeping Hours".  This is self-explanatory.

The next interval, and also the biggest challenge, is what I like to call, "The Normal Eating Hours".  For some reason, this is always the part of the day when I begin to question my desire to support the sinners and even Lech Walesa.  Making fasting an even more difficult endeavor is TV's desire to multiply food commercials ten-fold.  Clearly, TV programmers and Ad execs are not Jewish.

(However, for those who have sinned extra hard the previous year, there is always The Cooking Channel and The Food Network for your self-flagellating pleasure.)

Not eating would be an unpleasant enough experience.  Compounding the difficulty, however, is the chronic bad breath that seems to accompany it--no matter how many times you brush your teeth.  I imagine it could be akin to having an ocelot decay in your mouth, although I cannot be sure.  Ocelots are notoriously difficult to find in these parts and even fewer would actually agree to participate in this kind of experiment.

Later on come both the headaches and the irritability.  This combination often leads others (not me--see above) to commit a whole slew of new sins, mostly directed against spouses and small children.  Thus providing fodder for next year's Day of Atonement, and in some people's cases, a lifetime of Yom Kippurs to come.

Talk about self-fulfilling prophesies.  There's a religious joke in there somewhere, but I am too pious to look for it.

See?  That is how I remain on the outside.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Journal: What I Did On My September Vacation

Many of you have been wondering (OK, one of you...Mom) what I was doing during in the month of September instead of updating this award-winning blog. Not that it has already won any awards, but I do not know how to conjugate verbs into the hopeful tense.

But I digress.

In short, I decided to pursue some of my other interests. And since you asked (again...Mom), I thought that I might present a journal of my "other-than-blogging" experiences.

I finally cashed in on the opportunity to make an important speech on a topic I knew absolutely nothing about.

I finally ran in the far lesser-known, "Chasing of the Bulls" in Pamplona.

I finally realized my dream of jumping out of an airplane with nothing more than an anvil. You can't see me in this picture as I fell much faster than the others in my group.

[At this point, I was forced to take 2 weeks off to heal. Who knew?]

I finally found out if an XBOX 360 controller can fit down an 11-year-old's mouth after an unsuccessful, marathon tournament of Super Mario Kart.


I finally built a machine that has no practical use. Or way to turn it on.

I finally succeeded in my quest to conquer time travel. I closed my eyes one afternoon, and when I reopened them, it was 20 minutes later. The Future!