Critic's Corner

Normally, I don’t read much. I find that it takes away from valuable TV-watching time. That being said, I did find myself wandering around a book store the other day.

What immediately caught my eye was the book, Gulliver’s Travels (see picture), written by someone named Cliff S. Notes. Instantly, I came to the conclusion that this would be the perfect subject for the next installment of the Critic’s Corner.

Working from outside in, I have to admit that the cover is quite eye-catching, if somewhat garish. Personally, I find the tri-colored scheme a little edgy; I think that an appearance by Fabio and some curvaceous wench on the book jacket might be more appropriate, given the story’s setting.

The plot itself is very simply written and easy to understand, while at the same time, seriously lacking in detail. The characters, too, are sorely in need of some added dimension and, dare I say, warmth (The complete lack of dialogue often made it seem like I was reading a textbook).

But what I found the most distasteful is Mr. Notes’s annoying habit of disrupting the dramatic flow of the story in order to explain to the reader what is going on. What an insult to one’s intelligence! I also will go so far to say that it might completely dissuade me from buying any more of Mr. Notes’s books (He apparently has authored several).

Well, that’s all for this installment of the Critic’s Corner. Join me in the Corner next time when I review some of the latest movie trailers and ringtones.

Law and OrderLY

Over the past 15 years or so, one of the most popular shows on TV has been Law and Order. You know, "ripped from the headlines" and all.

Actually, it is quite surprising that this show has enjoyed such longevity, considering the fact that each episode follows the exact same plot arc—to the minute. Yes, the names and other specific details change; but one basically can predict more or less what will happen in a given episode based solely on how much time has elapsed since its opening moments.

Don't believe it? Feel free to take the following plot outline and compare for yourself. Don't know when the program is on? Play this mini-game: Close your eyes and pick any cable TV station at any time of the day or night. You are probably only 15 minutes away from the next episode...

00:00
A black screen with white letters. A solemn voice-over informs: “In the Criminal Justice System the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups, etc."

00:15
Bum-bum

00:20
Two self-absorbed passersby walk in dark alley/damp street/city park having a conversation about recent meeting/horrid date/investment opportunity.

00:39
Aforementioned, self-absorbed passersby nearly trip over grisly, partially decayed murder victim. Ick.

00:45
Patrolmen, Detectives and Medical Examiner on scene. Detectives poke at body, find wallet. Detective 1 turns to Detective 2—ironic joke made at the victim’s expense. Tacky, but gritty. Cue Law and Order Theme Song.

01:00-16:00
Investigation starts in dingy homicide squadroom and moves to various locations about New York City. Interested, disinterested and uninteresting parties interviewed.

18:00
Detectives interview student or faculty member at Hudson University (fictitious NYC college where I hope to get fictitious degree one day).

20:00
Primary suspect identified. Brought into interview room. Good Cop/Bad Cop routine. A lot of table-pounding. Grisly photos fly across table in both directions. "Just come clean; you'll feel better".

25:00
Arraignment. Primary suspect pleads “Not Guilty”. Assistant District Attorney wants “remand” (i.e., indefinite time in the Pokey). Defense Attorney wants case dismissed and apology from judge. Judge splits difference and offers own ironic joke—this time at suspect’s expense.

30:00
SVU fans—add 180-degree plot twist that no viewer expects.
Criminal Intent fans—add series of consecutive plot twists that no viewer understands.

31:00
Prosecutors discuss case with boss, the District Attorney. Evidence reviewed. Sketchy at best. District Attorney decides city needs conviction/he or she needs re-election. Prosecutors directed to offer plea and move on.

32:00
Insolent prosecutors do exact opposite of what they’re told. Off to court we go.

33:00
Order to suppress only piece of viable evidence presented by Defense Attorney. Lawyers present arguments to judge. Judge finds in favor of defendant. Prosecutor whines and gives incredulous look. Judge offers yet another ironic joke—this time at prosecutor’s expense.

35:00
Lesser of 2 prosecutors makes return trip to Hudson University to re-interview witness. Witness admits he/she lied to police. Things are looking up.

43:00
In court, Defense Attorney paints sympathetic picture of sociopathic defendant. Cut to jury—tears and/or quivering lips are observed.

45:00
Prosecutors whine to their boss about state of case. “I told you so”.

50:00
New evidence uncovered. Empowered, prosecutor grills key witness and suspect. Grilling turns to badgering. Defense Attorney paralyzed by prosecutor’s litigatory wizardry. Witness/suspect gives damaging testimony before Defense Attorney can object.

54:00
Defense Attorney awakens from catatonic state and begs Judge for immediate mistrial. Too late.

55:00
Foreman of Jury announces they have reached verdict. Guilty--Who knew?

59:00
Prosecutors debrief in District Attorney’s office. Scotch is poured; female prosecutor refuses—politely. Final ironic comment made—this time at everybody’s expense.

Critic’s Corner

There has been a lot of debate as to which Rolling Stones album is their best. In fact, I have seen such debates go on for hours, only to end abruptly when the beer ran out and everyone went home.

Conversely, there is little debate as to which Rolling Stones album is their worst. The hands-down winner (loser?) is Dirty Work, released during that watershed year in popular music—1986.

One only has to start with the album cover (refer to photo) to see where things began to go horribly awry for Mick and the boys--although, even by this time, they were a lot closer to being cadavers than “boys”.

Here we have the group sitting in what can only be described as a very spiffy, albeit garishly colored, salon or parlor. It was as if the group went out together for makeovers (facial for Mick, highlights for Keith, a perm for Bill, etc.) only to find out that the ladies from the Westminster Mah Jong Club had beaten them to the time slot.

As a result, they apparently were forced to kill time lounging around the only sofa in the place. Good thing they remembered to wear their colorful, freshly pressed, unconstructed suits that day. Otherwise, they might have been mistaken for a gritty, blues-based, rock and roll band.

All this spiffiness on the album cover makes it hard to fathom exactly where the actual Dirty Work comes in--unless you count the poor lady who was unlucky enough to have to give Mick his pedicure. Notice how he already had removed his shoes and socks in anticipation of the main event.

And then, there’s the music.....Unfortunately, I cannot comment on this since I never really bothered to listen to the album. I mean, who can get past that awful-looking cover?

In Defense of the “Manbag”

Now, I tend to carry a lot of crap around with me. Too much crap to stuff into my various pockets. And even when I am traveling with the bare-minimum, I cannot stand the feeling of anything in my pockets, particularly the ones in back. It makes sitting an uncomfortable chore, not to mention reducing the profile of my shapely buttocks to a bumpy, sharp-cornered mess.

I guess I could have bought cargo pants; you know, the ones with myriads of pockets scattered about. But, at 46 years old, I kinda look like a dork wearing something clearly designed for someone half my age or less. No, I needed another solution.

Therefore, I bought myself the “Manbag”--a purse for guys. Mine came compliments of my good friends at Timbuk2, makers of professional-grade messenger bags. My Manbag (called the “Mini” by its manufacturers--isn’t that masculine?) has pockets, zippers and compartments galore. It also has Velcro and buckles to keep things secure--after all, do I want even manlier men stealing my stuff? No sir.

So, now I carry all my stuff in style. Sure, I have to endure some teasing from some small-minded people (my 16-year-old nephew snidely refers to it as a "Murse”--what a dopey name). However, I know where everything is and my buttocks look as shapely as ever.



A little high-tensile twine and this puppy closes up tighter than Fort Knox.