Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Adult Edukation

The addage is “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”. But this begs the question, “Why don’t we just leave old dogs alone—aren’t they tired?”

Older people, on the other hand, need mental stimulation. If only to stave off Oatmeal-On-The-Chin syndrome. But a figurative taser to the synapses does not have to wait until one is “old”. Nay, education for adults can begin even a few short hours after the college mortarboard is flung into the air.

Or sooner, if the registration check clears quickly enough.

A recent perusal through an Adult Education Catalog turned up several worthwhile courses. Feel free to copy down the course codes and send the aforementioned registration check to my off-shore bank account. Consider that your first life lesson.

Humanities H35—Introduction to Introductions

6 sessions; Sunday 8-9am; $250

Do you know what to say first when you encounter your spouse’s boy/girlfriend of the opposite/same sex? Or when meeting the evil dictator of a 3rd World Nation? Or the polkadot elephant after taking 1 too many of the pink pills? In this course, we will help you through those awkward first few minutes and have you embarrassing yourself during the “meat” of the conversation in no time.

Computer Science C53—Hacking without Coughing

6 sessions; Friday 1-2:30am; $500

Large corporations are inherently evil. The evil nature of the average shmo at home is vastly underestimated. Bring them all to their knees and gain access to their private data. Like user databases, credit card numbers and pictures of their trips to the Grand Canyon. Due to the clandestine nature of this course, classes will be held in the dark in an undisclosed location. Good Luck!

Mathematics M71—What’s Your Angle?

6 sessions; Tuesday 4:15-6:15pm; $180°

Applying geometry and trigonometry in the everyday world. For example, how do you distinguish between right and wrong angles? Where in the city can you find the best pi? How do you use a compass to find your way in the woods; i.e., in which direction do you place the steel, pointy thing? How do you avoid going off on a tangent during presentations? All of these questions will be addressed. Some of them will actually be answered.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Blistering Pines

Are you burnt out? Stressed out? Have you been thrown out? Then you, my friend, are entitled to the vacation of a lifetime--here at Blistering Pines. Centrally located, it is an hour’s drive from anywhere.

When we say, “centrally located”, we obviously mean it.

The Rooms.
We here at Blistering Pines understand that some of our patrons have, er, active imaginations. So we present our newly renovated “Fantasy Rooms”. Not only does this one come with a safe; it also comes with its own safe word:"Holy Bejeebus, that hurts!". Good thing our Medic is on call 24/7.

The Ammenities.
The restorative, nay preservative, benefits of hot tar has been well documented since about 10,000 BC.

So, don’t be a weenie, jump right in! Of this we are sure, once you decide to take the plunge—you're gonna have a tough time leaving!

The Activities.
Blistering Pines specializes in all of your favorite forms of extreme sports—including but not limited to—summer skiing, javelin catching (left), and the ever-popular Swimming With The Sharks.

One proviso: if you should decide to partake of the last-named, please listen carefully to all instructions given to you by our shark wrangler, “Lefty”.

The Food.
Sample our local cuisine here at Blistering Pines—it’s next to none!

Really, who would want to be next to it?

The Staff.
A friendly staff at Blistering Pines is waiting to attend to your every need. Around the clock. Sometimes at night. In your room. Silently. Staring.

Bet you never received attention like that! (Takes a while getting used to, doesn’t it?)

So make that call today! Remember what we here at Blistering Pines always say:

Reservations? Oh, you’ll definitely have those!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Summer Memories

I found a letter that I wrote to my parents stuck between pages of my dia—er, Journal. I obviously wrote it during my one-and-only summer attending sleepaway camp. Check it out.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know it was your idea that I go away this summer, so I thought I would write and let you know how it is all working out for me.

You thought that it would be good to commune with nature. Well, I have to say that I certainly have had that opportunity. In fact, yesterday I communed with approximately 75 bees when I stepped on their nest. What even made it doubly exciting was when I subsequently communed with all that poison ivy while rolling around in abject pain.

This might be a good time to mention that our Camp Infirmary is rather tastefully decorated.

You also thought that I might enjoy some of the activities going on in camp. Well, I must admit that they do keep us busy. I can’t wait until it’s my turn to do the hiding in the daily installment of the ever-popular, “Hide The Underwear” game—although the others keep trying to convince me that my role is the most fun. Hmmmm.

Swimming in a lake is a very different kind of experience than swimming in a pool. For example, did you know that at least 15 other species of animal share the lake with us? I'm not sure if that snake was much into sharing, however. But on the bright side, I was told it probably was not poisonous.

Did I mention that the Camp Infirmary is rather tastefully decorated? Or that anti-venom serum is somewhat tasty?

You’ll be happy to know that I have met some really interesting people in camp. Still don’t know why the call him “Sitonyourface Sam”, but the others tell me that that mystery will be revealed to me soon. Real soon. Perhaps as early as tomorrow at sun-up. Oh, the anticipation—I love mysteries.

I’m sure you’re worried that I might not be eating well, with that institutionalized food and all. Heh, it’s kind of ironic that I used the word “institutionalized”. Especially when one considers that our chef goes by 3 names and has a habit of lovingly caressing the knives before he begins to prepare each meal.

And just where are those cats I saw when I first arrived, anyway?

Anyway, that’s about it. As you can see, camp life does have some bright points.

Still, I don’t think I’ll be working here again next summer.

Your Son,

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Here Comes Mr. Science!

Hey, kids! Disappointed with your last Science Fair project? Looking for something new and different--as opposed to that hackneyed, paper machè volcano? Wish you knew what “hackneyed” meant?

Well join Mr. Science in his Lab O’ Fun and we’ll get an early start on next year’s project together. It’ll be a real winner, I guarantee that!

(always stated as a question)

Can a 4th-grader split atoms in their own basement with minimal assistance from a [trained] adult?

Hypothesis: (your best guess related to the above-stated question)

You betcha!

Materials: (this may take a couple of days to obtain, leave yourself adequate time)
  1. Plutonium—a handful or 2 should be sufficient
  2. A Hydrogen Proton
  3. A Hazmat Suit
  4. A Fall-Out Shelter—comes pre-fab; check your favorite survivalist catalog

Procedure: (needs to be stated explicitly so that others may replicate your experiment)
  1. Place a molecule of your Plutonium in a particle accelerator. (Editor’s Note: Oops, I forgot to add that to the list of things you'll need.)
  2. Once adequate speed is achieved, fire the Hydrogen Proton at the Plutonium molecule.
  3. Quickly inform the authorities to sound their air-raid sirens.
  4. Remain in the Fall-Out Shelter until the radioactive half-life has expired.
  5. Collect the accolades of your teachers and the envy of your now-glowing classmates.

Don’t bother thanking Mr. Science—it has been his distinct pleasure. And remember what he always says:

If it’s safe, it ain’t science!