Government Intelligence = Monkey Business?

Several years ago, a Federal Commission declared that the US intelligence-gathering community was woefully incompetent. Covert activities abroad were not discovered until it was far too late. Timely intervention was nonexistent.

The Commission recommended a major overhaul of our Intelligence Agencies. Had the Commission been mindful of its history, however, they might have recommended that we bring out of retirement...






Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp

Link previously worked as a spy for the organization, A.P.E. (Agency to Prevent Evil), during the early 70s and right up until the time he was eligible to collect his pension.



Working with Link was the enigmatic Mata Hairi, whose resolve was only surpassed by her beauty. And while there always were rumors of a romantic link (sorry) between the two, their relationship was strictly platonic in nature—although the sexual tension was palpable. Link (right) and Hairi



Both Link and Hairi answered directly to Commander Darwin, head Administrator of A.P.E. He was more than a bureaucrat, but something less than an actual leader. It should be noted that A.P.E. eventually was downsized until it was completely absorbed into the Agency for Housing and Urban Development.
Lance and Darwin (right) confer on important matters of National Security






Lance and A.P.E. frequently found themselves entangled with C.H.U.M.P. (Criminal Headquarters for Underworld Master Plan), an evil organization not unlike what is now the House Ways and Means Committee. C.H.U.M.P. was led by Baron von Butcher, who behind his monocle, sounded conspicuously like Bernie Koppell.





Reporting to the Baron (top center) were several sinister operatives, including his chauffer, Creto, the evil genius, Dr. Strangemind, socialite Dutchess, the dark and mysterious Dragon Lady and her frequent companion, Wang Fu.




Perhaps foreshadowing the ultimate rise of Islamic terrorism, was sheik Ali Assa Seen—an agent so devious that even his shadow was suspicious of his every movement. (The malevolent Ali is 2nd from bottom on right)



Lance was extremely efficient at his espionage work. So much so that he, Mata and a couple of others managed to successfully lead a double-life as the psychedelic rock and roll combo, The Evolution Revolution. They made frequent (i.e., weekly) appearances on the Ed Simian Variety Show, which was quite popular in the early 1970s.




Historical Footnote:
Lance and The Evolution Revolution recorded 1 LP for ABC/Dunhill records. Unfortunately—but not surprisingly—this record is currently out-of-print.

Hail to the Least

In my life, I have heard many complaints about many presidents. However, if there was a Lame-O-Meter for presidents a long time ago (or even today for that matter), the one who certainly would have “pinned the needle” is William Henry Harrison, elected to office in 1841.

Historians generally agree that W.H. Harrison significantly paled in comparison to his namesake, Benjamin (23rd President), and likely would have paled in comparison to his namesake, George (4th Beatle).

The most obvious reason for this is William Henry's ridiculously short term of service—a mere 32 days before his untimely death. This is significantly less than the average gestation period of many lower mammals. Was poor W.H. assassinated? No, apparently that only happens to important people.

(Rumor has it that a group of political conspirators did contemplate the act, however. Their discussion went something like this, although I might be paraphrasing slightly:

Assassin #1: So, shall we kill Harrison to call attention to our extremist political views?

Assassin #2: No, I don’t believe anyone would notice. Let’s take out the Secretary of the Interior, instead.)

Alas, Harrison ultimately died from pneumonia. Some say it stemmed from his decision to give a 2-hour Inaugural Address. This is significantly longer than the average length of a concert put on by Lady GaGa. But as modern medical minds now know, standing without a coat and/or hat in frigid weather for a couple of hours does not lead to respiratory disease.

Still, it does beg the question: Where was Harrison’s mommy in all of this?

Given his quite limited time in the White House, it is hard to imagine that William Henry was able to accomplish anything of substance. Indeed, his major claim to fame was to be the first president to have his photograph taken. Apparently, this was done in anticipation of having him appear on the three dollar bill.

Unfortunately, the entire concept was quickly abandoned after Harrison’s death.


Historical Footnotes:
1. Benjamin Harrison was William Henry’s grandson.
2. Some of the facts contained within this post actually are true. I forget which ones, however.

Essay Contest Finalist!

Below is the 5th runner-up in the What I Want To Be When I Grow Up essay contest, open to all 10 and 11-year-olds at Chester Arthur Elementary School in Rumblebuck, Pennsylvania. Read on.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

When I grow up, I don’t want to be a basketball player, a rap star or a celebutante (did I spell that right?). No, I am setting my sights even higher. I want to be the Vice President of the United States!

(My mom says I should start a new paragraph here...) I think it is much easier to become the Vice President of the United States than it is to become the President. First of all, you don’t have to spend a lot of money during the election campaign. In fact, you don’t have to spend anything at all. You just sit there until you get to hook up with a winner—well, at least until the general election. You also get to have debates with the other candidate for Vice President. And let’s face it, no one watches those—so you don’t have to worry if you say something dopey, sweat like a pig or spit while you talk.

The Vice President of the United States also gets to do a lot of cool things. He gets to go to all sorts of places that the President doesn’t have time to visit. He also gets to say nasty things about the President’s enemies in the Congress. The Vice President also gets to break ties in the Senate (I think I would be real good at that—my dad says I am an expert at breaking things). And remember, the Vice President is only one heart-bleep away from the presidency!

So, to sum up in conclusion, I want to study sorta hard in school so that I one day, I can have the chance to become The Vice President of the United States.