NYC Mysteries Explained!

Preface: The Big Apple is full of mysteries. For example, why it is called “The Big Apple” and not some other kind of large fruit?

Indeed it is the city of confusion, chaos and contradiction. I cannot imagine how a visitor from another state (let alone another planet) can make full sense of everything they encounter here.

Well, apparently they don’t. Several out-of-towners have made inquiries, imploring me to explain some of the things they have seen in our fair city. And I have no choice but to answer the call—for if I did not, you would be staring at a large blank space where this blog post should be...


So, Tom G. from New Orleans, LA writes

Dear Dave:
Why do I see different-shaped fire hydrants in NYC? Sometimes there can be 2 or 3 different kinds on a single street.

Dear Tom:
Fire hydrants, like automobile lines, contain several models and trim levels. And just like the auto, each hydrant's name and design is an attempt to project some sort of personality or attitude, if you will. For example:



Left to Right: The El Dorado and The Fastback GT


And, Ygal Q. of St. Paul MN writes

Dear Dave:
I see “No Standing” signs all over the place. What does that mean?



Dear Ygal:
You’ve got a funny name. But back to the question at hand—Our mayor has made it his mission to legislate our personal health and well-being. To that end, he has banned smoking in public buildings, pressured restaurants to remove trans fats from their foods, etc.

Apparently, he also feels that we live too fast-paced a lifestyle and, as a result, mandates that we take a rest every now and again. Therefore, these signs are to be taken literally. That is why you might see an example of our fine citizenry sleeping on the ground under one of them (alternately, they might be taking a similar respite on a park bench or subway seat).


And, Pepe R. of Plano TX writes

Dear Dave:
I tried to mail a postcard in one of those green mailboxes I saw, but it had no door or slot to drop the letter. What gives?



Dear Pepe:
Rookie letter carriers, like other teammates in uniform, undergo a mild hazing process. Their veteran comrades have placed thousands of these “dummy” mailboxes all around the city. Then, they wait in the bushes giggling while their unseasoned colleagues struggle with them.

So, on the negative side, you’ve been an unintended victim of a practical joke. However, on the positive side, you’re at least as smart as a rookie mailman.


Finally, Mary Louise F. of Walla Walla WA writes

Dear Dave:
How did the term, “Manhole” come about?



Dear Mary Louise:
I’m not sure, but it certainly makes me uncomfortable thinking about it.

Points of Interest Along the Ol’ Walking Trail

When I am not cycling, I walk for fitness. Living in New York City theoretically allows me access to many wonderful places to walk; yet being the agoraphobic homebody that I am, I find myself sticking to a 2K loop around a local golf course.

But that does not mean that my trail is without its merits. On the contrary, it is so chocked full of points of interest, that while peering around I often lose complete track of time. In fact, I remember starting a walk one Saturday morning only to be picked up by the FBI some 36 hours later. Man, was I thirsty.

So, join me on a little virtual tour of my walking trail, won’t you?

We start at the Dyker Park playground. A lot of eye-opening things happen here. Therefore, I often bring my kids the playground—not only to play but also to take in the sights. Like that drug-addicted transvestite who keeps on asking us for money. It’s good to expose your children to diversity.




Here is the Dyker Doggie Park (yeah, I said "doggie"--wanna make something of it?). People bring their dogs here to exercise and be with other dogs. I try not to look too much at the goings-on here at the doggie-park; it depresses me to see animals with more active social lives than I have.





Here is Poly Prep Country Day School. It is ironically named. While kids do take classes during the daylight hours, it is not located in the country. Unless they are referring to America. Their mission statement is steeped in irony as well; i.e., “Give your kids a high school education at a university price.”




Here is the Veteran’s Hospital sign. It broadcasts all sorts of important information. Did you know that January was “Spleen Health Month”? Neither did I. It also tells you the time, the temperature and the date. The last-named is particularly important since I often forget what day it is from one go-round to the next (see above).




Here is the Dyker Junior Golf Center. Why do they need a golf center for kids, you might ask? Well, that level of snobbery is not inborn. No sir, it needs to be nurtured from an early age.






Here is the new extension of the local public school. After it is completed, students will no longer have to go to classes in pre-fab trailers parked in the school lot. I saw this structure before the covering was put on it. It was completely made up of pre-fab trailers piled one on top of another.




Well, we have completed the circuit. I hope you enjoyed the tour. Maybe next time you can join me for my 2nd favorite path: The Shlep to Food Dynasty and Back.