Friday, June 26, 2009

Government Intelligence = Monkey Business?

Several years ago, a Federal Commission declared that the US intelligence-gathering community was woefully incompetent. Covert activities abroad were not discovered until it was far too late. Timely intervention was nonexistent.

The Commission recommended a major overhaul of our Intelligence Agencies. Had the Commission been mindful of its history, however, they might have recommended that we bring out of retirement...

Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp

Link previously worked as a spy for the organization, A.P.E. (Agency to Prevent Evil), during the early 70s and right up until the time he was eligible to collect his pension.

Working with Link was the enigmatic Mata Hairi, whose resolve was only surpassed by her beauty. And while there always were rumors of a romantic link (sorry) between the two, their relationship was strictly platonic in nature—although the sexual tension was palpable. Link (right) and Hairi

Both Link and Hairi answered directly to Commander Darwin, head Administrator of A.P.E. He was more than a bureaucrat, but something less than an actual leader. It should be noted that A.P.E. eventually was downsized until it was completely absorbed into the Agency for Housing and Urban Development.
Lance and Darwin (right) confer on important matters of National Security

Lance and A.P.E. frequently found themselves entangled with C.H.U.M.P. (Criminal Headquarters for Underworld Master Plan), an evil organization not unlike what is now the House Ways and Means Committee. C.H.U.M.P. was led by Baron von Butcher, who behind his monocle, sounded conspicuously like Bernie Koppell.

Reporting to the Baron (top center) were several sinister operatives, including his chauffer, Creto, the evil genius, Dr. Strangemind, socialite Dutchess, the dark and mysterious Dragon Lady and her frequent companion, Wang Fu.

Perhaps foreshadowing the ultimate rise of Islamic terrorism, was sheik Ali Assa Seen—an agent so devious that even his shadow was suspicious of his every movement. (The malevolent Ali is 2nd from bottom on right)

Lance was extremely efficient at his espionage work. So much so that he, Mata and a couple of others managed to successfully lead a double-life as the psychedelic rock and roll combo, The Evolution Revolution. They made frequent (i.e., weekly) appearances on the Ed Simian Variety Show, which was quite popular in the early 1970s.

Historical Footnote:
Lance and The Evolution Revolution recorded 1 LP for ABC/Dunhill records. Unfortunately—but not surprisingly—this record is currently out-of-print.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Field Guide Entry #143

Scientific Name:
Adolescus Ridiculous n.
Common Name: Teenage Female


Found near commercial areas; generally avoids flora and fauna, particularly insects and small rodents

Brightly colored; frequently shiny

Social Behavior:
Stands and/or travels in herds—particularly when eliminating waste

Feeding Behavior:
Pizza, french fries—
or nothing
(God, I look fat!)

Grooming Behavior:
Engages too frequently to be accurately recorded

Verbal Communication—Most often heard:

Ugh!!--Usually uttered when confronted with food
(Translation: That for dinner again?!);

Aaaargh!!--Usually uttered when confronted in den
(Translation: Doesn’t anyone knock anymore?!);

Fine!!--Usually uttered after confrontation with parental units
(Translation: So, you think you won this argument?!);

--Usually uttered while prone in nest
(Translation: 5 more minutes.);

Whatever...--Frequently uttered at end of vocalizations
(Translation: Communication over. I dominate.);

Like...—Frequently uttered at beginning, middle and end of vocalizations
(Translation: unknown).

Nonverbal Communication—Most often seen:

Translation: You didn’t just say that, did you Dad?

Observer’s Note:
Some have argued that Adolescus Ridiculous n. are capable of written language, usually through use of opposable thumbs. However, closer investigation of these written “messages” (e.g., OMG, LOL, ROFLMAO, etc.) strongly suggests a mere random use of letters.

Mating Behavior: Don’t even think of it!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Hail to the Least

In my life, I have heard many complaints about many presidents. However, if there was a Lame-O-Meter for presidents a long time ago (or even today for that matter), the one who certainly would have “pinned the needle” is William Henry Harrison, elected to office in 1841.

Historians generally agree that W.H. Harrison significantly paled in comparison to his namesake, Benjamin (23rd President), and likely would have paled in comparison to his namesake, George (4th Beatle).

The most obvious reason for this is William Henry's ridiculously short term of service—a mere 32 days before his untimely death. This is significantly less than the average gestation period of many lower mammals. Was poor W.H. assassinated? No, apparently that only happens to important people.

(Rumor has it that a group of political conspirators did contemplate the act, however. Their discussion went something like this, although I might be paraphrasing slightly:

Assassin #1: So, shall we kill Harrison to call attention to our extremist political views?

Assassin #2: No, I don’t believe anyone would notice. Let’s take out the Secretary of the Interior, instead.)

Alas, Harrison ultimately died from pneumonia. Some say it stemmed from his decision to give a 2-hour Inaugural Address. This is significantly longer than the average length of a concert put on by Lady GaGa. But as modern medical minds now know, standing without a coat and/or hat in frigid weather for a couple of hours does not lead to respiratory disease.

Still, it does beg the question: Where was Harrison’s mommy in all of this?

Given his quite limited time in the White House, it is hard to imagine that William Henry was able to accomplish anything of substance. Indeed, his major claim to fame was to be the first president to have his photograph taken. Apparently, this was done in anticipation of having him appear on the three dollar bill.

Unfortunately, the entire concept was quickly abandoned after Harrison’s death.

Historical Footnotes:
1. Benjamin Harrison was William Henry’s grandson.
2. Some of the facts contained within this post actually are true. I forget which ones, however.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Poetry Corner

In days of yore, chivalrous young men wrote and recited Odes; i.e., lovely poems dedicated to their ladies faire (that's medieval for "fair", which is really old-school for "pretty").

This they did to:

1) expound on their love's greatest qualities and

2) show their undying, single-minded, and often obsessive devotion towards them, mostly due to the stuff outlined in #1.

Well, just by chance I happened to find myself in the Poetry Corner this week. Truth be told, it was the police who happened to find me there--a mere 36 hours after I was declared missing. In any event, I decided to take advantage of the situation and write an Ode of my own.

This I did to:

1) expound on my love's greatest qualities...etc., etc. and

2) show once and for all why this tradition needed to die a very long time ago.

Ann Coulter Is My Kind Of Wench

With legs like 2 twigs
And jaws like a wrench,
Stands Ann Coulter,
My kind of wench.

When conserves are in power—
Nay, in command,
She slaps at poor liberals
With the back of her hand.

Ann bites off their heads
And eats them for lunch
When asked, “Have another?”
She says, “Yes, thanks a bunch”.

And then sharpens her shoe
And hikes up her gown
And kicks at poor liberal,
But only when down.

For when libs are in power—
Under cover of night,
Ann crawls under a rock
And remains out-of-sight.

But if you follow the slime
And you follow the stench
You’ll find Ann Coulter,
My kind of wench.

Forsooth! My flaxen vixen.