Adult Edukation

The addage is “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”. But this begs the question, “Why don’t we just leave old dogs alone—aren’t they tired?”

Older people, on the other hand, need mental stimulation. If only to stave off Oatmeal-On-The-Chin syndrome. But a figurative taser to the synapses does not have to wait until one is “old”. Nay, education for adults can begin even a few short hours after the college mortarboard is flung into the air.

Or sooner, if the registration check clears quickly enough.

A recent perusal through an Adult Education Catalog turned up several worthwhile courses. Feel free to copy down the course codes and send the aforementioned registration check to my off-shore bank account. Consider that your first life lesson.

Humanities H35—Introduction to Introductions

6 sessions; Sunday 8-9am; $250

Description:
Do you know what to say first when you encounter your spouse’s boy/girlfriend of the opposite/same sex? Or when meeting the evil dictator of a 3rd World Nation? Or the polkadot elephant after taking 1 too many of the pink pills? In this course, we will help you through those awkward first few minutes and have you embarrassing yourself during the “meat” of the conversation in no time.


Computer Science C53—Hacking without Coughing

6 sessions; Friday 1-2:30am; $500

Description:
Large corporations are inherently evil. The evil nature of the average shmo at home is vastly underestimated. Bring them all to their knees and gain access to their private data. Like user databases, credit card numbers and pictures of their trips to the Grand Canyon. Due to the clandestine nature of this course, classes will be held in the dark in an undisclosed location. Good Luck!


Mathematics M71—What’s Your Angle?

6 sessions; Tuesday 4:15-6:15pm; $180°

Description:
Applying geometry and trigonometry in the everyday world. For example, how do you distinguish between right and wrong angles? Where in the city can you find the best pi? How do you use a compass to find your way in the woods; i.e., in which direction do you place the steel, pointy thing? How do you avoid going off on a tangent during presentations? All of these questions will be addressed. Some of them will actually be answered.

Here Comes Mr. Science!

Hey, kids! Disappointed with your last Science Fair project? Looking for something new and different--as opposed to that hackneyed, paper machè volcano? Wish you knew what “hackneyed” meant?

Well join Mr. Science in his Lab O’ Fun and we’ll get an early start on next year’s project together. It’ll be a real winner, I guarantee that!



Problem: (always stated as a question)

Can a 4th-grader split atoms in their own basement with minimal assistance from a [trained] adult?


Hypothesis: (your best guess related to the above-stated question)

You betcha!


Materials: (this may take a couple of days to obtain, leave yourself adequate time)

1. Plutonium—a handful or 2 should be sufficient
2. A Hydrogen Proton
3. A Hazmat Suit
4. A Fall-Out Shelter—comes pre-fab; check your favorite survivalist catalog

Procedure: (needs to be stated explicitly so that others may replicate your experiment)

1. Place a molecule of your Plutonium in a particle accelerator. (Editor’s Note: Oops, I forgot to add that to the list of things you'll need.)
2. Once adequate speed is achieved, fire the Hydrogen Proton at the Plutonium molecule.
3. Quickly inform the authorities to sound their air-raid sirens.
4. Remain in the Fall-Out Shelter until the radioactive half-life has expired.
5. Collect the accolades of your teachers and the envy of your now-glowing classmates.

Don’t bother thanking Mr. Science—it has been his distinct pleasure. And remember what he always says:

If it’s safe, it ain’t science!

Hail to the Least

In my life, I have heard many complaints about many presidents. However, if there was a Lame-O-Meter for presidents a long time ago (or even today for that matter), the one who certainly would have “pinned the needle” is William Henry Harrison, elected to office in 1841.

Historians generally agree that W.H. Harrison significantly paled in comparison to his namesake, Benjamin (23rd President), and likely would have paled in comparison to his namesake, George (4th Beatle).

The most obvious reason for this is William Henry's ridiculously short term of service—a mere 32 days before his untimely death. This is significantly less than the average gestation period of many lower mammals. Was poor W.H. assassinated? No, apparently that only happens to important people.

(Rumor has it that a group of political conspirators did contemplate the act, however. Their discussion went something like this, although I might be paraphrasing slightly:

Assassin #1: So, shall we kill Harrison to call attention to our extremist political views?

Assassin #2: No, I don’t believe anyone would notice. Let’s take out the Secretary of the Interior, instead.)

Alas, Harrison ultimately died from pneumonia. Some say it stemmed from his decision to give a 2-hour Inaugural Address. This is significantly longer than the average length of a concert put on by Lady GaGa. But as modern medical minds now know, standing without a coat and/or hat in frigid weather for a couple of hours does not lead to respiratory disease.

Still, it does beg the question: Where was Harrison’s mommy in all of this?

Given his quite limited time in the White House, it is hard to imagine that William Henry was able to accomplish anything of substance. Indeed, his major claim to fame was to be the first president to have his photograph taken. Apparently, this was done in anticipation of having him appear on the three dollar bill.

Unfortunately, the entire concept was quickly abandoned after Harrison’s death.


Historical Footnotes:
1. Benjamin Harrison was William Henry’s grandson.
2. Some of the facts contained within this post actually are true. I forget which ones, however.

I Think, Therefore I Starve

I was a philosophy minor in college. There isn't much of a call for philosophers these days, which is why I ultimately went into a different line of work. There's a reason that the philosophers of old were referred to as "philosopher-kings". The philosophy game didn't pay well--even back then. Those who had the "calling" to philosophize better have been independently wealthy. It probably helped that they also were in charge. This way, they could proclaim some sort of edict that required everyone to listen to and/or discuss the obvious merits of the philosopher-kings' observations and theories.

One of the earliest theories thrown out there concerned Metaphysics. This is a good name; it gives the impression that there actually might be some science involved. Metaphysics is the "study" of how we can know anything about anything. Man, if that isn't scientific, I don't know what is.

Another wonderful philosophy topic is Logic. Logic involves all sorts of rules and shorthands and derivations that almost resembles math. This is probably why I remember precious little about Logic. One of the few things I do remember, however, is something called a tautology. A tautology is an example of faulty logic; e.g., It is so because it is so. It is easy to see why philosophers rejected this and why it was so quickly snatched up by parents, teachers and politicians almost immediately afterward.

I guess every now and then, the philo-kings felt the need to talk about good behavior. We now refer to such musings as Ethics. One can wonder, however, how ethical it was for the philosopher-kings to make their subjects actually listen to this stuff.