College Football Pre-Game

Biff: Hey, college football fans!  Welcome to the big game between State and Tech.  And you don't need me to tell you--this one's for all the marbles.

But first, I'd like to introduce you to my partner in the booth, former State standout, Bonecrusher Smith.  Bonecrusher...

Bonecrusher:  Thanks, Biff.  And you're right, this IS for all the marbles.  There will be no sharing of marbles at this game.

Biff:  No, indeedy-doo!  So how do you handicap this game, Bonecrusher?

Bonecrusher:  Well, Biff.  As you know, they don't allow handicapped people to play in college football.  Actually, I think it's rather discrimina--

Biff:  No, B.C.  I mean, what pre-game analysis do you have for us?

Bonecrusher:  I told you never to mention my years in therapy, Biff.

Biff:  Too many games without a helmet, B.C.?

Bonecrusher:  How did you know?

Biff:  Moving on.  What do you see as the single biggest issue facing these teams prior to the game?

Bonecrusher:  Well.  I think that the team who scores the most points before the end of the game has the greatest chance of winning it.

Biff:  Great insight, B.C.  And just who do you think has the greatest chance of doing THAT?

Bonecrusher:  How should I know, Biff?  The game hasn't even started yet.  What do you think I am, prescient?

Biff:  Big word, B.C.  I see someone showed up to class one day.

Bonecrusher:  You bet; I remember that day well.  And speaking of which, why didn't you get me a prescient for my birthday?  It was last month, you know.

Biff:  Which brings me back to that helmet.  Was it made out of cardboard or something?  Oh dear, our pre-game discussion has extended itself into the game proper--and we seemed to have missed a few plays.  State currently leads Tech by a score of 73-0.

Bonecrusher:  You know, Biff, that if the game ended right now, State probably would have the greatest chance of winning it.  Is that what you needed before?

Biff:  I really need for you to shut up now, B.C.

Oh Yeah? Split This

The lowest common denominator in all of sports has to be bowling. There is likely not a single person in America (above the age of 16 months, of course) that has not partaken of the joys of rolling a heavy, plastic sphere across a very well maintained, hardwood floor.

..and some of those people have even gone bowling.

If bowling is ever to earn its rightful place among the more elegant of sports (I am thinking of curling, for example), it must consider implementing some significant changes first.

Let’s start with the bowling venue, A.K.A. "the alley". An alley is where drug deals go down, Junior High School students try their first cigarettes and informants get beaten up by gangsters in movies. It is no place for an athletic event.

Perhaps the name should be changed to The Field of Dreams or The Arena of Truth. I also am partial to The Thunderdome, but we can defer this decision until later.

Next, there are serious issues with the bowling ball itself. Given its inherent roundness, winging it at the target pins is far too easy. Now, if friction could somehow be introduced into the equation—say by making it a cube—then, we would be able to separate the men from the boys, so to speak.

Another sticking issue is the rather leisurely pace of the game. There is little need for athletic endurance when you are asked to exert yourself for 15 seconds, only to be allowed to sit for the next 12 minutes. This likely explains why many amateur bowlers are shaped conspicuously like the balls they throw.

That, and their prolonged exposure to curly fries.

Instead, bowlers should be required to start at Lane 1, throw, move immediately to Lane 2, throw, etc. until they reach Lane 60 or so, and then make their way back in the same manner. Bonus points could be awarded for anyone who completes “the circuit” in under a predetermined time limit. Oxygen tanks (and in amateur tournaments, beer) could be provided at every 3rd or 4th lane for restorative purposes.

There are many other possibilities for improving the quality of the bowling experience (replacing the pins with spectators immediately comes to mind) and you are welcome to leave your ideas in the comments section below.

However, bowling shirts and bowling shoes are non-negotiable. Trust me; this is based on irrefutable fashion sense.

Minor League Report

Hey, Baseball Fans! There’s only a few weeks left until Opening Day, so let’s take some time and check out the latest prospects on the minor league club. Who knows, one of these young bucks might actually make it to the “Big Show” this season...


(15) Edwin Slobobowitz—1st base. Bats—Right; Throws—Right; Sings—Awful. Edwin’s the highly touted player recently obtained in that blockbuster trade with the Pittsfield Platypuses. Edwin is proud of the fact that he hit over “300” last season; he’s even prouder that only 18 hit back.





(53) Rico Sanchez Colon Argueyo Sabado Domingo—Catcher. Bats—Right. Throws—Fits. Rico, who was drafted when he was only 6, hails from Puerto la Puerta, in the Dominican Republic. Rico is fond of saying (albeit through an interpreter), “I love catching. It is very important. Without me, the ball would keep hitting the backstop.” Gotta love that attitude.




(0) Cubby [on left]—Ballboy. Throws—Excrement (but only when angry). Swings—Freely. Cubby is something of a good luck charm around the clubhouse. He also is the good-natured victim of some practical jokes—like the time when one of the players gave him a head-to-toe bikini wax while he slept. Good times, boys.