Friday, June 26, 2009

Government Intelligence = Monkey Business?

Several years ago, a Federal Commission declared that the US intelligence-gathering community was woefully incompetent. Covert activities abroad were not discovered until it was far too late. Timely intervention was nonexistent.

The Commission recommended a major overhaul of our Intelligence Agencies. Had the Commission been mindful of its history, however, they might have recommended that we bring out of retirement...






Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp

Link previously worked as a spy for the organization, A.P.E. (Agency to Prevent Evil), during the early 70s and right up until the time he was eligible to collect his pension.



Working with Link was the enigmatic Mata Hairi, whose resolve was only surpassed by her beauty. And while there always were rumors of a romantic link (sorry) between the two, their relationship was strictly platonic in nature—although the sexual tension was palpable. Link (right) and Hairi



Both Link and Hairi answered directly to Commander Darwin, head Administrator of A.P.E. He was more than a bureaucrat, but something less than an actual leader. It should be noted that A.P.E. eventually was downsized until it was completely absorbed into the Agency for Housing and Urban Development.
Lance and Darwin (right) confer on important matters of National Security






Lance and A.P.E. frequently found themselves entangled with C.H.U.M.P. (Criminal Headquarters for Underworld Master Plan), an evil organization not unlike what is now the House Ways and Means Committee. C.H.U.M.P. was led by Baron von Butcher, who behind his monocle, sounded conspicuously like Bernie Koppell.





Reporting to the Baron (top center) were several sinister operatives, including his chauffer, Creto, the evil genius, Dr. Strangemind, socialite Dutchess, the dark and mysterious Dragon Lady and her frequent companion, Wang Fu.




Perhaps foreshadowing the ultimate rise of Islamic terrorism, was sheik Ali Assa Seen—an agent so devious that even his shadow was suspicious of his every movement. (The malevolent Ali is 2nd from bottom on right)



Lance was extremely efficient at his espionage work. So much so that he, Mata and a couple of others managed to successfully lead a double-life as the psychedelic rock and roll combo, The Evolution Revolution. They made frequent (i.e., weekly) appearances on the Ed Simian Variety Show, which was quite popular in the early 1970s.




Historical Footnote:
Lance and The Evolution Revolution recorded 1 LP for ABC/Dunhill records. Unfortunately—but not surprisingly—this record is currently out-of-print.

16 comments:

Heather Cherry said...

OMG I loved Lancelot Link! HAHAHA.

Dave said...

Loved? Well, unlike Ed, Farrah and Michael, Lance is very much alive and living in Boca.

MP said...

Is the general public aware of your excessive affection for these creatures??? Your monkey fetish...

Jeff said...

I think this is a great idea, and only one thing could make it better: reading it after smoking weed.

Dave said...

MP: For a second, I thought you were referring to my government fetish--which even fewer people know about.

Jeff: Don't think that Lance is unaware of your, ehem, extracurricular activities.

Shawn said...

What in the hell were you people doing in the 70s?

Jeff said...

Dave. I don't fear the simian overlords. Plus, I don't even smoke pot. (Anymore.)

Dave said...

Shawn: I remember sitting with Jeff, digging the Evolution Revolution, commenting to one another that we will probably forget this experience one day. And guess what? It happened.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

I've never realized how much I've been missing Link. Missing Link, get it? I crack myself up.

This does, however, bring up the age-old question, "Has a monocle ever been worn by someone who isn't a bad guy?"

Dave said...

Chris: "Missing Link"--yeah, I get it. Now, how do I get rid of it?

But I admit that you bring up a great point about the monocle. I wonder what it means if you wear bifocals, other than the fact that you have complex ocular difficulties.

Muggies McGuinness said...

Dave, we already have chimps running important agencies in my home state of California. This will only give credence to those who wish to continue this practice.

Dave said...

In terms of state legislature here in NY, chimps would be a major move up the evolutionary scale.

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