Saturday, October 17, 2009

Sheer Lunacy

America often takes a unique approach to some of the problems that exist outside its borders; i.e., when in doubt, launch missiles at it.  Take for example those annoying high tides and pesky lunar eclipses.  Well, apparently, we weren't gonna stand for that anymore!

Of course I jest.

However, if my in-depth perusal of newspaper headlines was correct, NASA recently did fire a missile at the moon.  However, this was done because our moon seemed to be hoarding water that we most certainly need here on earth.  Apparently, the assertion that our planet is already comprised of 67.8% water is just something the liberal media wants us to believe.

(Regardless, most of that so-called "water" on earth is salty, which only does us good for the purposes of gargling.)

So NASA, who has not had any good press since the Apollo 13 landing, decided to get out of the exploration biz and into the detonation biz.  Good move.  Since 67.8% of the movie-viewing public now thinks that Michael Bay is a talented director, this could only have served to improve their reputation with the masses.

But what to do with the resulting moon water?  Well, obviously celebrities in Hollywood and princes in Saudi Arabia will want to wash their Hummers with it.  But what about the common folk?  Word on the street is that, when combined with the right shampoo, moon water makes your hair ultra shiny and manageable.  And possibly, radioactive.

This is good news indeed.

At the same time however, the moon does give off the astronomical impression of a very old and tired man. Eager to be left alone, but unable to keep his annoying little grandchildren at bay.  Had he been able to talk, the moon actually might have gone on to say:

"Look guys, I really appreciated all the romantic notions about me through the years.  The movies, TV shows, myths, books, songs and poetry.  Very nice.  But then came the all the landings.  And the scrapings.  Oh, those scrapings!  What did you expect to find?  Like a toddler proudly holding up his very first poop done in the potty, you exclaimed, "We've discovered dust!"
Hey, even a toddler could have told you that's what you'd end up with.  Scientists?  Pffft.

And now missiles?  Listen, you can't fire any missiles until you put your toys away first.  Like that moon rover.  You've left it out for quite some time now and people are really getting tired of tripping over it.  And those flags.  Come on.  Is there even a square inch of me that hasn't been claimed for some country or Rotary Club?  And don't get me started on those footprints.  It's taken some time, but I finally was able to get THOSE cleaned up.

But alas, like the aforementioned toddler, you now seek to break that with which you once previously played.  Go ahead.  Mommy will most certainly buy you another one."


Jeff said...

Very, very funny stuff. Great post, Dave.

Dave said...

Thank you Jeff. But science is serious business, my friend. And you if you can't accept that, then just float on out on the balloon you came in on.