Saturday, May 16, 2009

The Little Program That Couldn’t

It has been said that for every program that actually makes it on TV, at least 10 first-episodes (or pilots, in the vernacular) have been cast aside into oblivion before ever being aired.

So, from among the wanna-bees, never-have-beens and also-rans, here are 5 such shows, each complete with a snippet of dialogue to let you know what you’ve been missing...

1. CSI, Boise

Investigator 1
: What did he die from?
Investigator 2: (after consultation with Medical Examiner) He was old.
Investigator 1: Case solved.
[Cue Theme: only Who song remaining never to have been used in franchise]

2. Real Housewives of Nome, Alaska

Sherri, your Uggs are to die for! And that head-to-toe fur with the big hood--I could claw your eyes out!
Sherri: Uh, it’s me--Nanuk. Sherri’s husband.

3. The Biggest Shmoozer

C'mon you wimp, work it! Work...That...Room!
Contestant 1: Hey there, nice tan! Is that your wife or is that your daughter? Didn’t I see you in the Hamptons last season? Now how about that big, fat, government contract?

4. America’s Next Top Model Citizen

Contestant 1:
Today I waited patiently in line, properly displayed the American flag, sorted my neighbor’s recycling and crossed only at the green signal.
Contestant 2: B*tch!!

5. American Idle

Ryan Seacrest:
He’s been completely inert for 4 hours, ladies and gentleman.
Randy: Cool.
Simon: I hated it.
Paula: [random, incomprehensible jibberish]
Female Judge who is not Paula: I think he’s dead.
All: You’re going to Hollywood!!!


Jeff Tompkins said...

I don't know if CSI has used the Who song "Who Are You" yet, but they should. It would be a great theme for the new CSI with that amnesiac cop.

By the way, that is one sweet looking TV at the beginning of this post.

Dave said...

Actually, "Who Are You" was used for the original program. Clearly you need to watch more TV. And thanks for the compliment, it came right outta Grammy's living room.

Diane said...

I could totally win American Idle tonight. Even Simon would agree.

Dave said...

I always believe in conserving personal energy--in case my superpowers are needed to right a collapsing building or something.