Field Guide Entry #143

Scientific Name: Adolescus Ridiculous n.
Common Name: Teenage Female








Habitat:
Found near commercial areas; generally avoids flora and fauna, particularly insects and small rodents










Markings:
Brightly colored; frequently shiny








Social Behavior:
Stands and/or travels in herds—particularly when eliminating waste







Feeding Behavior:
Pizza, french fries—
or nothing
(God, I look fat!)









Grooming Behavior:
Engages too frequently to be accurately recorded







Verbal Communication—Most often heard:

Ugh!!--Usually uttered when confronted with food
(Translation: That for dinner again?!);

Aaaargh!!--Usually uttered when confronted in den
(Translation: Doesn’t anyone knock anymore?!);

Fine!!--Usually uttered after confrontation with parental units
(Translation: So, you think you won this argument?!);

Ughnn...--Usually uttered while prone in nest
(Translation: 5 more minutes.);

Whatever...--Frequently uttered at end of vocalizations
(Translation: Communication over. I dominate.);

Like...—Frequently uttered at beginning, middle and end of vocalizations
(Translation: unknown).



Nonverbal Communication—Most often seen:





Translation: You didn’t just say that, did you Dad?






Observer’s Note:
Some have argued that Adolescus Ridiculous n. are capable of written language, usually through use of opposable thumbs. However, closer investigation of these written “messages” (e.g., OMG, LOL, ROFLMAO, etc.) strongly suggests a mere random use of letters.



Mating Behavior: Don’t even think of it!