Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Oh Yeah? Split This

The lowest common denominator in all of sports has to be bowling. There is likely not a single person in America (above the age of 16 months, of course) that has not partaken of the joys of rolling a heavy, plastic sphere across a very well maintained, hardwood floor.

..and some of those people have even gone bowling.

If bowling is ever to earn its rightful place among the more elegant of sports (I am thinking of curling, for example), it must consider implementing some significant changes first.

Let’s start with the bowling venue, A.K.A. "the alley". An alley is where drug deals go down, Junior High School students try their first cigarettes and informants get beaten up by gangsters in movies. It is no place for an athletic event.

Perhaps the name should be changed to The Field of Dreams or The Arena of Truth. I also am partial to The Thunderdome, but we can defer this decision until later.

Next, there are serious issues with the bowling ball itself. Given its inherent roundness, winging it at the target pins is far too easy. Now, if friction could somehow be introduced into the equation—say by making it a cube—then, we would be able to separate the men from the boys, so to speak.

Another sticking issue is the rather leisurely pace of the game. There is little need for athletic endurance when you are asked to exert yourself for 15 seconds, only to be allowed to sit for the next 12 minutes. This likely explains why many amateur bowlers are shaped conspicuously like the balls they throw.

That, and their prolonged exposure to curly fries.

Instead, bowlers should be required to start at Lane 1, throw, move immediately to Lane 2, throw, etc. until they reach Lane 60 or so, and then make their way back in the same manner. Bonus points could be awarded for anyone who completes “the circuit” in under a predetermined time limit. Oxygen tanks (and in amateur tournaments, beer) could be provided at every 3rd or 4th lane for restorative purposes.

There are many other possibilities for improving the quality of the bowling experience (replacing the pins with spectators immediately comes to mind) and you are welcome to leave your ideas in the comments section below.

However, bowling shirts and bowling shoes are non-negotiable. Trust me; this is based on irrefutable fashion sense.


Chris@Maugeritaville said...

How about this . . . combining bowling and golf, into a new sport called "Bowlf". Here's the idea. You still have ten frames, but you bowlf them on ten different lanes. One is long, one is short, one is tilted to the right a little, one has a sand pit in the middle of it, one has fourteen pins, etc., etc. You'd have a set of balls, to help accomodate the different conditions.

Jeff said...

I think a great improvement to the activity of bowling would be if someone found a way to introduce invisibility to the game. The pins would be harder to hit, you'd never know where the ball was going and, most importantly, they could no longer televise it.

Dave, I think Chris set you up (no bowling pun intended) with the phrase "You'd have a set of balls." Go!

Dave said...

Chris: I like your idea. Did you also envision clown heads and windmills?

Set of balls? Hmmm. Now where have I heard that before??

Jeff: I can see the invisibility angle (hee hee).