Here Comes Mr. Science!

Hey, kids! Disappointed with your last Science Fair project? Looking for something new and different--as opposed to that hackneyed, paper machè volcano? Wish you knew what “hackneyed” meant?

Well join Mr. Science in his Lab O’ Fun and we’ll get an early start on next year’s project together. It’ll be a real winner, I guarantee that!



Problem: (always stated as a question)

Can a 4th-grader split atoms in their own basement with minimal assistance from a [trained] adult?


Hypothesis: (your best guess related to the above-stated question)

You betcha!


Materials: (this may take a couple of days to obtain, leave yourself adequate time)

1. Plutonium—a handful or 2 should be sufficient
2. A Hydrogen Proton
3. A Hazmat Suit
4. A Fall-Out Shelter—comes pre-fab; check your favorite survivalist catalog

Procedure: (needs to be stated explicitly so that others may replicate your experiment)

1. Place a molecule of your Plutonium in a particle accelerator. (Editor’s Note: Oops, I forgot to add that to the list of things you'll need.)
2. Once adequate speed is achieved, fire the Hydrogen Proton at the Plutonium molecule.
3. Quickly inform the authorities to sound their air-raid sirens.
4. Remain in the Fall-Out Shelter until the radioactive half-life has expired.
5. Collect the accolades of your teachers and the envy of your now-glowing classmates.

Don’t bother thanking Mr. Science—it has been his distinct pleasure. And remember what he always says:

If it’s safe, it ain’t science!